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Dark Decent

These past 6 months have been exceptionally hard on me. Barring details concerning all the insane things that have gone on for the past bit, physically I also have been unwell. This month has been a decent into a deep depression, though I am doing my best to deal with it in as much as I can. Why? you might ask. I will not go too far into the specifics on the matter as they revolve around many unverifiable things, but of which the very pospects and possibilities are highly hard to shake and often have ended in a feeling of demoralization and despair. I am not one who has simply sat back and taken the route that it is better to believe what I thought was better to believe, as I know in my heart that the real objective truth to things is not determined by one's own desires, or chosing to believe what benefits one most, but that truth is truth whether one choses to face it or not, and the real challenge lies in facing dark truths and still finding some strength to perhaps overcome...

The struggle I face is holding to any hope whatsoever at this point, however, in almost anything, really. That's how dark it has gotten for me. I struggle horribly with notions of hope, especially if that hope lies on something external and out of your own control, because by my experience, if you place hope in that which is external from your own control, in most instances it will fail you. In contrast, I look at myself and wonder how I can ever hope to find strength myself, knowing my own faulties? If you don't know what I mean on that, remember, I do have a mental disorder, and know almost every day what it feels like to be constantly betrayed by your own faculties...

The conclusions I have come to are not without outside tangible observations on the world itself coupled with what experience has taught me, so it is not without reason I feel these ways. I usually avoid discussion on them, as I do not want to discourage or demoralize anyone who might consider them in full capacity as to what it means that they might hold some relavance, cause there really is no turning back at that point, unless you simply chose to drop them and adopt a postive outlook on things in defiance toward the sheer darkness of it in order to defend yourself, I supppose, though I question the rationality of that when I have heard of some of comparative studies done on those who chose to adopt a positive mentality for the sake of being positive, and those with a more pessimistic outlook on things... I'd have to do a search on it to dig up the article if anyone wants to see where I have viewed such things, but two groups of people were made to take a test -- a group who believed that a positive view on life was reflected outwardly and made one's life generate more positive results, and those that held a more pessimistic outlook on life. The test results showed that the postive thinkers were generally overconfident and made more mistakes, while the pessimists were more cautious and tended to take more time to ensure that they held a higher accuracy on results. What this means is that whether or not you simply try to think positive, it does not mean you will score the best in all that you do -- quite contrary, that you will tend to overstep your bounds and make more mistakes and probably ignore them just so you can remain positive about it. Likewise, whether or not you think positive about what might be true, it does not mean that the truth of things will be positive...

The challenge I am trying to overcome right now is facing the prospect of a highly daunting possiblity to things and I am not going to simply alter my thinking or something just to ease the pain of it or whatever. If such things are true, they should be faced, and if prevailed over than one is stronger for having faced it head on and still prevailed, than to resort to blinding yourself to it so that you might cope. There is a lot really that is weighing on my mind right now, but I am a bit tired as of now, as it is 11:30 PM. I might try later, but I am thinking about picking up LJ again, cause even if Facebook allows for longer posts, sometimes old posts go missing when I go back to maybe find one later...

So, I dunno... I might make a comeback to this place... I just remember how insane it sometimes got here, though... Lol...


Apr. 20th, 2013 07:16 am (UTC)
Keep you chin up, your chest out, and your middle finger in the air.

Don't forget to breathe.
Apr. 22nd, 2013 03:11 am (UTC)
Thanks. It's been a crazy decade for me, and I fear it is just going to get worse...


The Foolish Wise-Woman

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