If evolution is true then people need to understand many key factors to its functionality.

1: By the laws of evolution one's collective genes will record with higher priority those factors which dominate, control, and propel a species to change in any way shape or form to whatever end that it is moving unto.
a) In the case of human evolution the most controlling and moving factors present in their evolution has long since been the forces of intangibility, thought, philosophy, spirituality, belief, stories, fiction, and songs, and thus these things are recorded most blatantly in their genetic centers as the most moving and compelling parts of themselves, regardless of viable or tangible proof or lack thereof as to the actual existence of that which is believed in. These things have shaped and controlled human evolution for many thousands of years and it is therefore difficult to shake their influence off in order to veer into another evolutionary direction, despite the fact that if this path is continued upon the result will only create a race of beings who are entirely insane, not gifted with special powers or abilities, but completely controlled by our own faculties which allow us to be as creative as we even are.
b) As we are, we pay more attention to fiction than we do fact, and it is therefore prudent to understand that our central genetic memory does not currently draw the line between fact or fiction, but all things which are encountered are recorded as raw information. In fact, the only part of ourselves that seems to hold any sense of reasoning in determining the difference between fact or fiction is our conscious mind. Anything beyond that such as our secondary consciousness (the unconscious), and tertiary consciousness (genetic consciousness) has no idea that there in any significant difference between the forces of fact or fiction, allowing the line to blur from time to time and mankind to be consumed by their own creative ideas. In paying more attention to fiction than fact, and loving fiction more than truth, we ourselves have created the strong emphasis that fiction is more important than fact, and that very love and preference for fiction over fact resonates through our consciousness and becomes recorded directly into our genetic centers.

2: Evolution occurs as such a slow rate that it is impossible to tell its current course or the changes that are currently occurring as time progresses. It is only by looking back in the course of millions of years that any significant changes can be perceived. This is simply due to the fact as each new generation is created the old one is destroyed and there is no way to viably or tangibly interact with anything which has existed more than two to three generations apart from us in order to perceive what, if any, changes have occurred.

3: Evolution exists as the most dominant genes are passed on, those changes are recorded as the most significant and necessary for that species continued existence.
a) In the case of human evolution, we seem to operate in reverse as to what other natural species do. We, unlike all other predators, hunt animals which are the strongest, the smartest, and the alleged "best" simply because we can. In doing so we eliminate the presence of the stronger genes (that is to say, those which have proven themselves to be stronger by the testing and trials of nature and survival which exist in our ecosystem.) The belief that there are not stronger genes is flawed simply for the fact that we live outside the normal natural testing of nature itself and are thereby subject to different evolutionary factors than most animals. We, instead, find that our dumbest people breed the greatest amount and there is no regard for genetic compatibility or what product our breeding may yield. Even when knowing that certain strengths or weaknesses are passed on to our children and at what probability depending whether these traits are repressive or dominant in either parent we still continue on as if we hold the choice over nature, when this is not so. It is in my opinion that we cannot continue on in this fashion disregarding the presence of genetic purity. If we want to weed out certain traits, then we should look to breed them out, as we have done to create our various breeds of beasts that we call our pets, even though this is a poor example as we have done this only to create traits that we find desirable overlooking what overall effects that it has upon the animal's health and well-being. After all, in breeding alone, we have seem to have proven that certain traits are passed on to the next generation and can be altered to form other breeds, races, and possibly even species over a course of time depending upon the parentage.

Yes, I know, the idea of genetic purity is frowned on by society, but it is something that I have come to believe in, even to the point that unless I was absolutely sure that my weak genes will be overcome by whatever partner I may or may not find in my lifetime then I do not wish to breed. That is to say: Bi-polar illness and schizophrenia are two such horrific weaknesses that I would not wish even my worst enemy to possess them, least of all my children. If I could wish for these horrible illnesses to cease in existence and die here and now I would, even if it means that I too must perish. After all, if one wishes for a healthy garden to grow one must have the nerve to get their hands dirty and pull up the weeds from time to time, no matter how horrific this may sound to some people out there. A weed cannot grow to be a rose just because you believe it can or wish it to be so. All it will do is choke the flowers until all that remains are weeds and infertile soil. Is this then to say that the weeds are stronger than the flowers and are more to be desired? Or is it more for the fact that we as the alleged dominant species of the world have grown too cowardly and too forgetful of the fact that everything on this planet has its controlling factors, every prey partnered with its predator, and that we, having grown above this must be charged with tending our own, even via the methods of destruction which we deem as “evil?” The old ways knew that sacrifice was necessary for a healthy ecosystem, even if they hid this knowledge behind the intangible ideals of religion and spirituality or did not understand it fully in order to calculate what sacrifices were necessitated in order to preserve a healthy ecosystem. Today, despite the fact that science has shed further light as to the nature of the universe, we seem to have grown more in the habit of taking and taking and taking and giving nothing back, as if all mankind has indeed evolved into weeds and there are few if any flowers among them who are not quickly choked and destroyed. And yes it is true, that despite all ideals of enlightenment and betterment that if you love something that you must be willing to fight for it, and if we wish for a better world we must again fight for it. Our fields will still grow rich when fed with the blood of the living, as life feeds on life and the soil is in fact enriched by the decaying flesh of the old ways which must be discarded and plowed over to make a new field, one without weeds as we should gain the resolve to tend them each and every day instead of allowing them to grow together as one, each only thriving upon the death of the other until no crop can be found and starvation abounds.

I know that what I am proposing sounds really bad, but consider the fact that sacrifice does not have to come at the point of a sword. I myself have long considered whether, due to my genetic instability, as to whether I should have my tubes tied so to be rid of the thought that I might someday get pregnant and pass on my weakness to my children as my mother did unto me. I propose only willing collaboration under the heated scrutiny of science and observation, based entirely upon study and whatever fact we can dredge up from the universe via direct interaction verses intangible ideals as to what is right and what is wrong. It is best to enquire as to what genetic combinations are best for us all, nature and the planet included, not what traits we ourselves desire, nor am I proposing that all else should be destroyed.in bloody hatred. The swift solution is rarely if ever the best answer, as evolution in itself is a process which requires a great amount of time. If we are ever to evolve to the ends that we desire to then we must be willing to get our hands dirty and pursue the idea of genetic purity, if it exists, if only to study it to the best of our means due to the fact that we lie outside the laws of natural or normal evolutionary shaping, leaving us with the only conclusion that we must be willing to shape ourselves to whatever ends that leaves us. The universe is filled with all sorts of laws of interaction and we cannot continue to live in ignorance of them and pray that some higher being will make it all turn out for the best in the end. We reap what we sow after all. We are but the product of the genetics we combine, for good or ll.

For those of you who are mystics or of spiritual mind, I have a warning unto you: it is of my advice not to pursue the genetic archive or as many may call it the “Akashic Records,” as the genetic archive of mankind is much more full of ideals, speculation, and fiction than actual truth. And while I acknowledge that what I’ve experienced of this occurred during several massive mental breakdowns, I cannot deny that I see in everyday man the extension of our deluded genetic control all around me in the forms of many beliefs and faiths which drive us to perform in fashions which shape our existence. In all things it seems that delusion is the one mannerism which still controls and shapes us in which we have not conquered, and yet may never. Until we realize that there is no greater thing to be loyal to, whether it be a powerful man, beast, supreme being, or deity, than the Truth itself, regardless as to whether it can be fully perceived or known, then we will always be controlled by our ideas as to what the Truth is which has stemmed from our ideas and speculation and not actual living by experience. The Truth is as it always was and always will be and to change that in any way or deny it is to make oneself governed by a lie, as we all are in our attempt to perceive life in ways that we are not yet built to. Embrace the Truth by acknowledging that we do not know and never did and that all things which stemmed from man’s knowledge is likely all self-created and self-imposed and if it was not, then allow it to reveal itself in time, as the Truth always does in ways that are undeniably the Truth. Patience, perseverance, study, and observation must win out over the short-cuts of speculation and belief, regardless as to whether the drug of belief and idealistic wisdom makes us feel better to encounter within our falsely-egotistical minds.

I know that it may sound dumb to say, but my advice, oh ye mystics, in your travels of mentality, evoke the power of Truth over all that you may see within your own tortured minds. “If it be the Truth, so let it be manifest, if not then get you behind me and trouble me no more.” This is the only thing that saves me from the wash of delusion that swarms around me in being human. And thus, by much time and suffering did I eventually become atheist and forget mysticism, simply embracing that Truth shall be and if I am meant to know it then I shall, though I shall not accept it by anything other than tangible and verifiable means.

SouthGate SG-Won Episode 1: Daniel's Bad Day



Turning Atheist

Yes, it has been a while since I've posted but I've been going through a lot lately. I'm changing quite a bit and have decided to turn my back in as much as possible to spirituality and religion. There may yet be more musings on unusual thoughts later, but they will not necessarily represent that in which I believe in...

I just watched a very disturbing documentary. I mean, I knew alot of those things were going on but it's just hard to watch. I pretty much bawled through the whole thing. Throughout the course of the documentary you get to see horrific images of dogs being put into trash compactors while still alive, hauled off to gas chambers instead of being euthanized, how cattle is butchered, chickens being thrown against the wall at high velocity and then stomped on, and foxes getting skinned alive. It kinda gave me an understanding of my nightmares. It makes me want to go vegetarian again (because I stopped after my most recent hospitalization and decided I'd just be grateful for what I was given or what I managed to get at the time rather than worry where it came from.) The problem is that a vegetarian diet is very expensive if done properly and I can't really afford it at the time...

If you want a real eye opener you'd look into the documentary Earthlings narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. Hopie, it is REALLY disturbing, but I recommend it. Maybe it will help people understand why I hate myself because I feel that being human is the lowest, dirtiest, most detestable position in the universe and always have even since I was a child.

Looking back over some of my entries from the past year, I really don't know what to think. I came from loving an ideal of God to believing that God is likely evil. Truthfully, I don't know what to think of religion and God anymore. I was disappointed to realize exactly how deluded I've been and still am... I wish it could all end.

When seeking the truth, prepare to find delusion. That's all I can say...

I actually found out from my mom that my uncle Irvin (who also had a mental disability) used to smoke and chew on cigars too, so I guess I'm just doing what my instincts dictate...

2008. I kinda have stopped caring, I must admit, and I've picked up a nasty habit: smoking. However, I try to limit myself to two Prime Times a day, but that's mainly because since I started I've felt alot better. My head is actually much clearer and I don't miss Riley as bad. The habit was actually recommended to me by another Bipolar. I know. I said I'd never do it and I am. I actually prefer cigars to cigarettes. I can't stand cigarettes. I could stop at any time if I wanted to but I don't because I really don't care anymore... That's how badly I've missed Riley...

I bought myself a nifty Zippo lighter with a devil on it and a "bitch stick" that filters out the tar in the cigar. Little mini cigars called Prime Times are what I'm smoking. I like the variety of flavors like Cinnamon and Mint Chocolate. I also like how they make me feel, releasing some chemicals in my head that help out with my imbalances. I hope people don't judge me for it. It's just the best thing I've done to make me feel better so far.

I tried to find my Playstation in my storage unit and I haven't yet succeeded. I wonder if Hope has it in her storage facility? I'm also working on a flash animation for Knights of the Dinner Table since Hoody Hoo took theirs down. Right now I am working on "Lair of the Gazebo," and I need Curtis and his D&D group to do the voices for me. I hope they do it this week so I can finish up. I am almost done.

Sometimes I wish that Riley would remember how much I tried to listen to him in comparison to others. He'd make hints and I'd try to respond to them. I bought him a crystal ball. I'd try to make him gifts rather than buying them because he said how much more he appreciated a home made gift in comparison to a bought one. I'd remember what he'd say more than anyone else with me, and I wanted to fulfill his needs. I'd always secretly cheer for him in whatever he did, even if it was against my ex... I just did... *sighs* Sometimes I wish I could feel that way for someone else...

Time passes and this wound doesn't seem to heal. I broke down crying with Curtis when he was trying to do something romantic with me. I've cried to him about Riley several times now, actually. Really bawling my eyes out because I loved him so much and my life seems so empty without him here, even if he was just a friend... I loved listening to him talk. I loved watching him play games, sometimes even playing against him. I loved listening to him play guitar... So much about him that I loved and can't easily get over losing, even if he wasn't really mine to begin with... I'd never felt that way before... I fear I never will again...

I've always had a hard time expressing myself. My emotions have become twisted due to how I grew up. It seemed like everyone was happier if I just shut up and stayed in a corner somewhere, starting with my mom leaving me in my crib for hours as a baby while I cried, the vacuum running to cover the sound... No duh I'd have trouble when someone finally kindled my long-dead emotions to life, even if he wasn't really trying...

Dear Riley,

I'm sorry that I can't stop thinking of you. I wish things were different. As much as I enjoy Curtis's company I just can't help but remember you or want you in some sick fashion that some people would find derogatory. You really don't know how badly I miss you. Sometimes it's probably better that you don't. All I want is you. I don't care if you're a big guy. You were always this cute and cuddly teddy bear to me with googly eyes. Like Cookie Monster. Big, cuddly Cookie Monster. As time has passed, my desire for things has faded, except for you. Do you know how painful that is? To watch as your artwork and creativity dies in your arms and this haunting memory of a man you SHOULDN'T want is burrowing itself into your head, deeper and deeper, no matter how much you want it to go away?

It's been over a year and a half now since I've seen your face... Rather than feel as if I can move on, I feel like I'm starving and dying from being deprived from something so unique that it exists in only one place at one time, and I can't have it no matter what I say or do or DON'T do. I really don't know how much more I can take. You're my Tantalus, Riley. You don't have to have a sculpted angel ass for me to love you. You could be the poorest bum on the street and I'd still love you. Even as the asshole you are. Because you are...

Sometimes I wish I had the sense I do now back when I knew you. I was really messed up. I know that realizing it will never change your perception of me... I wish it could... I wish I could have another chance. I would love to be playing games with you right now. I'd sidle up beside you and ask if you wanted a second player. No coaxing involved. I LIKE the games you do...

God, the one thing in my life I feel like I NEED and I blew it... Because I need you Riley. I love you, and by God, I need something in my life that I CAN feel that way for. You were it, Riley. A thousand vows will never change what I felt or what I still feel even today. If it were a matter of doing something or anything to win your heart, no matter how difficult, I'd do it in a heartbeat... but now... if I saw you somewhere I think I'd just be silent and walk away... my tears have choked my voice away for you... all I have are my thoughts and my dying ember of a heart wasting away now that I can't have you in my life... I'll still try to give it a fight. Not much left now, however....

Missing you always,
-Holly

I'm going to be trying this out for a bit. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, but seeing as I am still having trouble with my feelings for Riley I decided to try and write letters that I will never send to him on my journal. I know that I don't want to feel like this for him and I hope that it goes away during the course of the following year. I will be trying to work on it so that I might get over him sooner...

Dear Riley,

Today is Christmas. All this month, the only thing I wished was that I could maybe see you again for Christmas or my birthday, even if it was from a distance. You meant so much to me throughout the course of my troubled marriage. I wish you could know that. I am sorry for everything that has happened -- that I was cursed with a mental disability which makes it hard to make decisions. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing or why. I just do... Or I try...

I figured out that I started projecting my imaginary friend Talin on you when you started to remind me of him, but that's not why I felt so strongly for you. Talin is Talin -- a voice in my head that I equip sometimes to contemplate philosophy or religion, but you will always be you. You made me laugh, Riley. You made me feel something that wasn't hollow or empty and even though it spun me about and messed me up, I loved you for it. I miss you.

Sometimes I hope you are happy, and sometimes I hope you are as miserable as I am, but most of all I have wished that even if it was for a moment, that you felt something for me and that it wasn't all a facade to make your wife jealous. I hope that you weren't trying to take advantage of a naive and gullible young woman -- because everything I ever did was because I BELIEVED in it. Now that I don't anymore, I realize the folly of my own stupidity and the stupidity of many beliefs and practices and some of that came about because of you...

As I was watching Stephen Lynch today I couldn't help but think of you. I wonder if you ever think of me or if you do, is it fondly?

Loving you always in bittersweet memory,
-Holly

My foist Flash Cartoon! Charlie the Unicorn and the Magic Castle (sequel to Charlie the Unicorn)

Emotion is the driving force of humanity. Granted, we should not be ruled by them, nor should we cut ourselves off from them, but rather recognize them for the powerful momentum they can instill within our lives. Without being in the mood to do something, we generally have to force ourselves to perform, and if we happen to fall into states of depression, any action one performs can make your life feel like a living hell.

And yes, having no real desire for much right now, I just lost my train of thought...

I miss Riley... *hangs head* I really do...
My depression seems to have him sitting at its center, laughing at me. I have never been more miserable in my life. Seriously...

Today is my birthday. I am 25 today and if I could have one wish I would change my past so that I never got married. Actually, in all reality it would be to be able see Riley again...

This world is SO unfair. Nobody gets what they really deserve. Riley DOES NOT deserve my devotion or love, yet he still has it. I hate the feeling for that -- because I WANT to FEEL IT for someone else, but I just can't. *hangs head* Oh God, I SOO want to FEEL THAT again! That elation. That joy. That desire to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to ENHANCE this person's life and make it more joyful... *hangs head*

I tried to take the "honorable" route and I am miserable for it. Question: if the "right" choice makes you miserable, then why take it? The answer is: IT WASN'T THE RIGHT CHOICE. In my honest opinion, the correct choice is not correct because of societal morality or collective opinion, but it is the one that ENHANCES your life and makes you HAPPY. We are NOT characters, we are people. Therefore there is no "character building" situations in life. There are only situations. We can either choose a path that makes us HAPPY or complicate our lives with ideals of character-building scenarios concerning idealistic honor or integrity that defies the central nature of what you are to the core of yourself and forces you to conform to an idealistic society who tells you that such self-defiance is a sign of a strong moral character which not only deprives you of a potentially gratifying experience, but an experience in general.

I want to be happy. That's why I've done some of the things I've done. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND RILEY'S PRESENCE IN MY LIFE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST PERSON ON EARTH while it was there. Without that, I feel lost in a perpetual darkness of eternal sorrow... *hangs head*

I have tried to fight for what I have loved and I have lost...
It seems like this world is set up so that those very things which make you happy end up being the method of torment which shatters you the most... for those things are the things which shoot you down and stomp you into the cold, dark earth...

I guess it's time to spill the beans: these past 2 months since my second breakdown I have been seriously struggling with decreased interest in life in general. I feel like I have nothing left to believe in and I don't know what to stand up for anymore...

It sucks when you come to a realization only to end up further confused thereafter. And it hurts to realize that you really did need someone in your life but it would never happen. Sometimes it feels like my entire life has been set up like some elaborate torture device. I've always had a hard time connecting to people. I've always had a hard time feeling love. It's horrible that the first time I actually felt something real it had to be for a married man and I had to blow it by trying to stay loyal to my husband rather than doing what I wanted to do in the first place: fuck his brains out. Stupid idealistic honor...

Since then, everything has been slowly shutting down, although I've been fighting it. I don't want it to. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I wanted to have the energy to keep dancing last night at Area 51 but my stomach hurts so bad and my head is always reeling that I just didn't have the strength to keep going.

Sometimes I feel like the penguin on "Good Luck Chuck" that stopped grooming or taking care of itself because it was separated from its mate even though I've tried to keep going and care for Curtis alot. I barely make it through one day at a time anymore and I've been seriously contemplating just ending it even though I know it isn't my normal view on life. I wish people could understand how much torture it is to have this fucking disorder yet "crazy" people get absolutely no sympathy from the public most of the time because people assume others should be able to control themselves. They don't realize how painful the whole illness even is.

It's stupid. The mere impression that Riley might have been contemplating suicide and I rushed over to his house, doing something I shouldn't have done. The idea that even Charlie, a man whom I have harbored some adverse feelings for, might try suicide, I called him up to talk with him. With me, I barely mention the thought and people panic and scold me...

I barely have the strength to do the things that I once loved. Art, music, writing... none of it brings me any pleasure anymore and I pretty much have to force myself to do anything at all. I am trying so hard but it seems to get worse every day and there is nothing that can fix it. Until I get my job back, I don't have enough money for certain medications that could help, and with the depression, it is hard to hold a job. So I'm kinda screwed, if you know what I mean...

In other news: I went to fetish night last night at Area 51 and got zapped by the violet wand, which I liked. I tried some dancing, albeit not much, socialized a little bit, but still woke up feeling ill and depressed today. Grr... It was fun and I wanted to do more, but I just couldn't after a while... Depression sucks...

I've been a bit stressed due to mounting bills from my two episodes this year. I need to either get my old job back or find a new one, if possible. My old job wont rehire me without a work release form which states that I am capable of handling such a job. *shrugs* They want to put me on FMLA and hope that I will return.

I decided to go through my videos and edit some of them. I am also removing "The Perfect Moment" from market once again... This is due largely for the fact that I don't know whether I wrote it while in the right state of being and seriously question its contents. However, at the present time I do not have the strength of heart to go over it and review everything I said. It is more likely that I will try to rework some of its finer points into videos and leave it at that...

Currently, I am staying with my new boyfriend Curtis, as I really have no place of my own anymore due to financial and medical struggles this year. My mom wanted me to stay with her but that didn't work out so well. She started taking my medications and ended up in the hospital herself. Then when she returned we had some differences in taste and she would practically flip out when I went out on my own even though I am a fully grown woman...

The only thing I am really worried about is how to pay my bills. I've always been very responsible with them. I had myself paid down by about 1000 to 2000 dollars but now I am back to square one with all this bullshit this year. Possibly even beyond square one... Stupid bills...

Looking over all of my woes I am very happy that I left Gary back in 2006 when I had the chance. He would have never been able to handle all of this, especially with me having decided that I never want to be a mother and will hopefully never breed. His haughty prediction was (when I left him) that I would come "crawling" back to him pregnant and desperate... *rolls eyes* Riiight... If I was pregnant at this point I'd either abort or adopt out. I know it sounds barbaric to most, but out in nature the mother can decide whether to slay her child or not and there's usually a reason for it such as a deformity or something of the like. For me, it is due to being unable to care for said child and a real possibility of emotionally, physically, or mentally damaging it if I happened to have an episode while it was in my care, thereby bringing in another generation which couldn't accomplish much with their meager lives and possibly even turned out to be a parasite on society... Yes, I am evil. Fear me.

Yes, I am still here, albeit, I am struggling with depression really bad. Oh well, I will live. There are things I've thought about, some of them not so good. *shrugs* There's really not much to say lately. I'll be back when I really decide what I want to talk about. I wish I could make another video about me ranting. Yes, ranting. About religion. Yes, I like to think about religion. That does not mean I do not acknowledge its bad points and/or reasons to hate it. So I wrote a book about religion. Sometimes I hate that too because I never really know what to believe or not believe in... Grr... Yep, life sucks and I can list the reasons why:

1. Humans make life stupid because we have to pay to live which means I have to spend my time (which is valuable) making money (which is worthless to me) so I can pay for my car taxes and/or property taxes due to the fact that we have a soceity that revolves around money and not the desire to render services for the sake of rendering a service to humanity.
2. The worth of a human soul is based on how or what they can produce and/or how fast or efficient they can produce it and not in their presence and/or personality.

I can go on but I wont, but this is why I am depressed.... Bleh... Thoughts like these CAN kill...

My mask fell off before things really got started. *shrugs*

So most of the night I hung with Curtis watching him perform Fire Play demonstrations on people. Then I tried to see what was up with Hopie. I'm a bit confused over what is really going on and she wont tell me so I'm just shrugging. In one story she's upset with Josh or something about him threatening to kill himself. In another, she's kinda scared of Mike and I understand. He can be a bit overwhelming at times... I just told him that he needs to accept Hope's decision whatever it may be. He said he would, but I do not know what's what at this point...

Anyhow, I got myself lit on fire by Curtis. *evil laugher* Only temporarily. It was different. Not unplerasant except when it started getting a little hot in the middle of my back. I need to bring up my pain tolerence.

When I tried to dance on the floor, two guys came over and sanwiched me and one of them tried to finger me. That's when I went back over to Curtis and sat down for the rest of the night. No thanks...

Okay, this is an idea I came across while talking to Curtis the other night:

What would happen if the internet became intelligent? Or what if it already was?

The internet already contains a huge amount of information. Now, we all know that information lacking consciousness is simply that -- information, but how easy would it be to install a virus programmed to mimic intelligence into the internet mainframe, thereby imbuing the internet's intelligence into consciousness? That, and/or by grouping such massive quantities of information and programming together how long would it take for that information to start taking life of its own? Yeah, I know, it's far out there, but I think it would be kinda cool because we as humans would have created life collectively without really trying out of all the information of the computer age today. What sort of consciousness would come into being from this massive internet-life-form? Would it be possible? And would it know the difference between fact and fiction? On that note: would fact and fiction matter to it?

It would make an interesting book if anything... The internet takes over the world! Mwahahah!

I still don't like to refer anything as "artificially" intelligent. It to me means the same as "fake intelligence" or "false intelligence." Thereby it is used to describe something that appears intelligent but isn't. But when something starts to show a sense of deeper thought it is not a form of false intelligence in my honest opinion, but a manifestation of actual intelligence. Who are we to measure what is intelligence anyhow? Ooh, we're humans and can say what intelligence is. What if God called us "artifically intelligent" because He created us...?

*rolls eyes*

So far Hopie has helped out alot and I am very grateful to her for her assistence. Still, I am doing alot better than I was last week. Right now I am officially seeing someone as in "dating" but I really don't like to refer it to that. Curtis is a great guy and I like him alot. After all, I made him a dragon mask for Halloween in less than 3 days. I can't do stuff like that unless I really like someone. Sorry. That's just how my creative processes work. So he's my "boyfriend" but I don't like to call it that either. Significant other? What? Okay, I'm still hurting over my divorce and a few other things like Ali taking total advantage of me when I was sick in July and then nearly getting raped in my neighborhood the very next day. It makes me even more edgy to get into an "official" or committed status. If I like someone, you'll know by the actions I make. If not, then also the same there.

Jow gave me a call tonight and I felt a little awkward. I'm not the best at phone conversations. I like to text more than I do talk. :p I sent him a text message for good measure. :)

No, Hopie, I have not been staying at Curtis's house all week. It's just been like 2 days now. I have been driving back and forth from Spanish Fork despite how far it is from here. I've also been trying to avoid mom for a bit seeing as she is very manic right now. I mean, she got into my freaking medications after I moved in and took some of them like a little kid and now she's worse than I was when I first arrived. Thus, I don't really want to be in Spanish Fork right now. I don't know what to do. I know I suffer from the same disorder but it works on us in different ways. It's very hard to try and explain my coping strategies to see them do squat on her. *sighs*

Right now she's pulling a fit about me having disappeared for 5 days, scaring the bejebas out of her, and ending up in the hospital. She keeps asking me how or why it happened. I just shrug and say "it happened. I'm not concerned about how or why." Then she starts pulling a fit that Hope is moving to Colorado pretty soon and she'll never see her again... Grr... I don't know what to do. She doesn't take her medications but is trying some herbal remedies. They helped me alot, but for some reason they aren't working on her anymore. I wonder whether she is getting into my Lithium while I'm gone because it seems there is less in there than there should be. Argh. Why does my mother have to be like a kid that *I* have to babysit when I'm the one who turned to her because I was sick and needed some mothering for a change? It makes me a little tired to be around, you know? *shrugs*

Anyhow, regardless of all this bullshit, I am doing better. I'm not shaking quite as bad and my nerves are not as much in pain as I was before. I have the option to get on SSI seeing as my illness is classified as a permanent disability, so for the time being I am going to try to file for unemployment or financial assistence followed by SSI. I have a phone interview for my SSI on the 24th so things are going along a little. Hopefully I can qualify for it. I really need the money right now. :P

I went to the State Fair with my sister and had a blast. Hope got hypnotized and we rode all the rides. I spent so much money on her though. She dressed up like a hooker and I was wearing one of my favorite very low-cut shirts so we kinda looked like hooker sisters. Heh. Yeah, you can imagine how much we stood out in downtown Salt Lake. There were several very rude people who made gagging noises as we passed and one old guy glared at me because I passed him and I guess my breasts fell into his line of sight. *shrugs*

However, at the same time there were alot of guys trying to get our attention. Several of the ride operators made comments over the intercom like "Ooh that's pretty" and stuff like that. It was funny. The only thing is: I don't trust guys who hit on me when I'm dressed sexy because in Salt Lake they're usually sick pervs looking for a mound of flesh, or so I've learned in my experience, but I don't like the guys who act disgusted that I'm dressed sexy either because they don't appreciate the finer points of the human body and seem to harbor some idealistic belief in piety when we are all naked animals by whatever God's creation that you may or may not believe in. *evil laughter*

Seriously, what kind of God makes a creature that is almost totally naked (furless, featherless, and scale-less) and then gets pissed off when one of his kids comes down and lets them know that their God made them naked?

"Who told you that you were naked???" -- God, Genesis

I mean, whether or not we realized we were naked we were still naked.

Just don't let it out that he did it because he's a perv too and he wanted a cosmic peep-show or else he might get REALLY mad. After all, I've discovered a "mistranslation" in the story of Moses:

And the Lord said: Let my Peep-Hole go!

*giggles*

I still haven't been able to get out of this funk I've fallen into since everything struck me down last month. Since then, I've been trying to do things to get my mind off things such as play computer games, go out to see movies, go to the park, stargazing, etc. but not much is helping me. Something about the lithium I'm taking is bringing up all the feelings from my failed marriage and how much I'm still hurting over it. I think one of the worst things was right when I was leaving and trying to express myself and how I felt and my ex made a fuss that I was "attacking" him when all I was trying to do was express my feelings. Then I told him to watch the last episode of Firefly because I felt like River in that episode -- like I was crazy and a burden on everyone and that I should leave even if it hurt me to do so. A month later he hadn't even watched it and I felt more than ever that he didn't give a fuck about my feelings... God that hurt...

All I wanted was someone like Mal in the end who goes up to River and says that she's not quite right but still wanted by the crew of Serenity... *cries*

However, recently all I can think about is how I have the same illness as my mother and that I hold all the potential as she did to do the same things to someone I care for. I feel like a monster. That's why I don't want to have kids -- because I love children too much and no one that I love should have to be subjected to the presence of something like that, or the cruelty...

Right now I am at Jordan Commons and I am about to watch Stardust for the 7:45 showing. There are computers for the internet while you wait...

*ambles off into the shadows*

To listen to it, check out my myspace page:

http://www.myspace.com/lafabula

It is the last one on the music player.

Lyrics:
Who can wake me from my sleep?
I'm enchanted.
Who can heal me from this wound?
Who can free me from this tomb?

I am dreaming of you.
I'm enchanted.
I am wishing for you,
For this curse to undo.
Who can free me?

Who can find the missing piece
Of my heart?
Can you fight away the night?
Can you hold back all the fright?

Who can love me?
I'm enchanted.
Who can love a beast,
For this curse to undo?
Who can free me?

I'm feeling lonely. I don't get lonely, do I? *hangs head*

*sniffles*

I don't know. I guess I am still feeling hurt from all that's happened this month. I feel like I got taken advantage of by a coworker whom I wanted to open up to. I almost got raped by another guy whom I wanted to hang with. I ended up in the hospital for about 7 days. And I got pulled over by a cop about 2 days ago for having a bad headlight.

Truthfully, I am so glad that July is over...

I've been thinking though: it just seems that whenever I take a chance and try to open up to someone, I just get my ass raped or something. Why? And for some reason my ex used to tell me that it was ME that had the problem and not the world. What is wrong with this picture? If you can't risk opening up to people because THEY take advantage of you, isn't that the world having a problem and not me for at least trying? *shrugs*

It makes me oh so depressed to think about...