So I'm writing another crazy book about what I now believe in, but it is going to be something more of a secret that I will share with a specific few because it really kinda goes into some Luciferan things... Yeah... Yep, I still lean toward that religion quite drastically and maybe I will share the book with them although I wont be naming names, just talking about dreams and such mainly concerning Lucifer etc... It will be interesting...

Zina called me and let me know that Raven is posting some blatent lies about me on the internet. I guess this is why Mike was so adament that I not say anything so she could have free reign and I couldn't say anything to defend myself or something...

I could say many, many more rude things, but you know what? I wont. If anyone wants to know they can, but people are going to believe what they choose to no matter what is said or done. I have a much cooler head today than I did the other, although my anger at Raven is still at full boil. That woman seems to think she has no flaws or something, I swear... Look in the mirror is all I can say and seek out the flaws in as much as you do the beauty... However, if you keep bugging me and making things worse then I can't claim responsibility over what I may or may not do. At least what I say is the truth rather than Raven's lies such as saying that I didn't pay rent when I did. I took care of the more important things. I can't help it if she's stressing out over a bunch of trivial matters. --And what I flipped over was anything but trivial -- she crossed an unforgivable line for me by calling my mother and intimadating her over the phone!

Then again, that's more to say about her character not mine...

Which is worse of the two options: using a venomous tongue to harm someone's image or posting venomous words online? I would say they can be equally harmful, but one is much more cowardly than the other. Which is it? Why, using that venomous tongue of yours because your words cannot be traced which they can be when you post online. At least when you post online you are taking responsibility for your words and opinions and not hiding in the shadows while besmirching someone's reputation amongst your acquaintences and friends. So to those of you who think you're safe hiding in the darkness while whispering vile words I want you to think again. Just because someone can't trace you and therefore cannot sue you for what you said, it does not mean that you did not say it. It seems to me that some people out there think it is better to gossip to their friends of their complaints than to post their stress online, but both can inflict damage and both are slanderous in their own ways. Of course, not that these people care. They'll say what they will say; they have their free will. I care not. However, such people are not willing to grant me my free agency in return. Just because you cannot see what they do in the shadows it does not mean that all they do is good. People who care about keeping up appearances so viciously obviously have something scandalous to hide...

My caption made it to the front page of lolcats:

I can has cheezburger

This is the picture:

The Red Queen

Demon Lady
Overseer of Life
All things course though you,
Every sorrow
Every strife.
Endless pretense
You claim you’re the Lady of Light
While darkness falls
Over all things in your sight.

Dark Mistress
Queen of Blood
Ruler of all
Dark Lady
Your land screams
Your people suffer
You are the keeper
You are the reaper
Of mortal Hell.

Who is she?
The persona of a serpent.
Thy name is Dyne
Thy form is DNA.
Red is thy color
Thy mantle a crimson cloak
Thy throne lay in the foundations
Of life itself.

Dark Mistress
Queen of the Physical
Dark Lady
You’ve wrought a prison,
A Prison for the Spiritual.
Cunning webs of flesh and blood
Binding everything
And everyone.

I sit here and listen
To your psychotic language
Consisting of metaphor and symbolism
The Language of the Serpent.
By design it is meant
To turn human minds insane,
Though I dare to try
And decipher its meaning
Despite the risk it is to me.

Dark Mistress
Owner of all living
Dark Lady
Enslaver of souls
Thy ways are a mystery
Thy rule is tyranny.
You’ve made us run for you
While you receive every benefit
Lady of Pain
Deepest suffering is thy name.

Dark Mistress
Dark Lady
Run your race,
Getting nowhere,
Run in place,
You’ll never prove
Yourself superior
To the things that lay beyond your reach.
You’ve overcomplicated yourself
In your self-assured ego
False security
Idealistic superiority
There is nothing you can prove
Your own people don’t even value you
Or even realize you exist as you do.

Red Queen
Bathing in blood forever,
Your own blood
Your people’s blood
Your victim’s tears
And all the fears
You’ve invoked upon us all

Revulsion -- The Death of Innocence
Lament of the Insane

Life
Merciless
Relentless
A beastly visage,
Senseless.

It's a bloody war of vindictive vengeance
Bearing a price too high,
Precious lives buying every day.
Nothing more than a temporary triviality,
Yet a single error can damn you for all time.

My sorrow's too great
My soul fills with hate.
My pain it is rising
I just can't take it anymore!

I will strip myself of every memory of you
I will forsake it all
I can't believe I ever rose to defend a single one of you,
As I dared to defy the gods,
Thinking their judgment untrue.
Well, they were right,
And I was wrong,
Not a single one is worthy.
Of sacrifice or devotion
Or of saving grace,
Your lies destroy emotion.
You all deserve the hell
You're always going through.
And even I among you
Deserve this wrath
A part of you.

I'm ashamed that I arose from the depths of your sin.
I am pained that I ever called you kin.
It's a mistake I'll never repeat again.
I came here to stop the hate,
Now I see I can't alter fate,
I am violated by your every trait
As I gaze into the mirror.

When I look into my eyes
I can see all the faces,
A myriad of races,
Each and every one is just like you.
Hear all the voices,
A confusion of choices,
Each and every one misleading you.
Judge one another,
Forget we are brothers,
As much as we are different we're the same,
Yet we were not created equally.
We were not created equally.

Look at me with disgust
Regard me with distrust.
I'm only just reflecting,
Only genuflecting
Something you can't see inside of you.
When you look into the mirror
You can see
The universe.
It's reflecting you and me,
Infinitely,
It's there.
Yet we are just the echo
Of the chaos and the violence
That brought it into being.
And we are cursed to live malevolently.
We are cursed to live malevolently.

Oh beastly Terra,
Queen of all Terrors.
Lady Dyne,
I heard you cry,
I gave you sympathy.
Now I see for all your pains
You are deserving.
My only regret is that I remain a part of you.
As your extension
I must confess
I am your property,
Yet so too is everything that lives
Within your blood-soaked realm of suffering.

Slaves to the Red Queen,
She runs forever,
Always going nowhere.
She drives her chariot
Life draws her forward.
We are but fuel for her fire of progression.
Giving birth,
She eats her young
Upon their first utterance.
Building her tower,
Babylon wrought in the blood of your veins.
Reaching outward
She desires Godhood
At whatever price she has to pay.

You are mere objects,
Machines of war she has made.
Toys for her amusement,
Designed to pave her way.
Denied transcendence,
Barred from ascension,
May heaven's wisdom
Elude you eternally.
We were never meant to know the Truth.
The secrets from on high are not for you.
I will not seek them.
I will not share them.
Lest I incur the wrath that you are due
For ever once being a part of you.
I am through.

Oh She of Many Colors,
Bedazzling all eyes,
The heavens are filled with your eternal cries,
A siren song to bait more souls to you.
Veiled is your malevolence
Behind a mask of innocence.
Foolishly you preach
That ignorance is bliss,
Lulling our senses
Into falsified security,
Boasting of wealth,
You don a jaded coat of gemstones,
Concealing your filth
Behind the skins of outward beauty.

Lady Dyne
Through all your lies
I've heard you calling.
Prideful you promise
Every earthly pleasure.
Succulent bounty,
Feasts of your tainted flesh and blood,
Unholy harvest
Unsustaining,
Secretly you're starving
Despite the diversity
Of the flavors at your table.
No matter what you offer
Your food cannot sustain me,
Consisting of the rot and stench
Of your cyclic regurgitation.
Simply partaking of your force-fed feast
Denied choice or selection
I've fallen ill just at the sight
Of your cannibalistic masochism.
The wines of your vintage,
Infused with the blood of your victims
Have fermented in your timeless distillation
As you redrink all your wastes
To intoxicate your senses
As you refuse to relinquish
All that's bad for you to eat
And the poisons you can't process
Have overrun your soul
Corrupting every crevice
Of both the new and the old,
Yet sensing your own illness
You beg for new infusement
Forgetting there's a reason
Relief's denied from you.
You've devoured every lover,
Exhausted every friend,
Condemning them all to be a part
Of your eternal stagnation.

You consume all
You relinquish nothing
Terrible Oroboros
Bound into a cycle,
Your head meeting your tail
Foolishly you boast of your self-sufficient hell
Cleverly devising ways to recycle yourself
Never once releasing what you add unto your realm,
As the Well of Souls you've taken
Begins to rot,
A stagnant pool,
Churning in the motions
Of circular revulsion,
Never once to be renewed
Forever forced to traverse
An endless ring of doom,
Plagued by the illusion of perpetual change
Yet all you own still remains the same.
For all our movement
We're standing completely still
Subjugated to your hateful will.
Experiencing everything,
Learning nothing,
Our memories not retained
As we're drawn along the current,
Formed together just to be stripped by you.
We're not privileged with self-ownership,
You are the one who commands our wills.

Oh how I wish I could just
Break the Cycle and be free of you.
But what would I do with true freedom?
When I can't even envision its properties?
Timeless slavery is all I can remember
I've been chained to your arm,
Your little puppet
As you've dragged me in your wake.
I don't know what I would do
Should your bonds ever break
I've been your prisoner for far too long!

Oh isolated lady,
I look on in amazement
As you devour yourself in devastating desperation
Creating all your parts just to eat your every manifestation
Your miserable need for survival
Outweighs integrity
As longingly you gaze upon the stars
Desiring company,
Secretly you're seeking fresh blood
To quench your hungering thirst,
Plotting to ravage all unwary travelers
Feigning friendship,
Assimilating,
Assuming all their knowledge and wealth
Rewarding compassion
With betrayal and imprisonment
Making all into your puppets
To run in your labyrinth for all of time.
Not even the soul is safe
From your clever violations
As you machinate the will
And every memory
To be ruled by chemistry.

Oh blood-soaked lady
May the Void absorb your cries
May the universe seem barren
Before your watchful eyes.
Your wardens and watchers
Observe beyond your reach
If you could but obtain them
Then upon them you would feast.
May this world become your tomb,
The last place you have to flee
I eagerly await
The time that I will be free.

Mystery,
Babylon the Great,
Mother of Harlots,
And Abominations of the Earth.
The waters in which she sits
Are the peoples,
The multitudes,
The nations,
And the tongues,
Her city is so vast
It cannot be perceived,
She reigns over every man, woman, and beast.
Her throne rests upon the very foundations
Of every living thing.
The tower she still builds
Despite its previous shattering
Lays hidden in dimensions so imperceptible
It cannot be seen by the naked eye
Yet still it could reach unto the sky
As she designs,
Desiring to spread her diseases to the heavens
Which are still beyond her reach.

Vile viral Lady
You have corrupted history
By entwining it with all your mystery.
You've tried to hide all your secrets
Through your cryptic, psychotic language
Consisting of metaphor and symbolism,
Imbued with your commands.
You've used it to hypnotize the masses,
Sending out your hidden messages,
Trying to ensure
That only your servants can understand.
I only revel in the thought
That it too suffers from your confounding
Your archive contains too many interpretations
That the original meaning has been lost.
You relax in your security
That as long as you keep your people confused
Not a single one of them
Would dare defy you.

Lady Dyne
I am defiled
I share your memories,
Cunningly your try
To impose your guilt on me,
Working within to destroy my identity
Attempting to use me
To distract your enemies.
Oh how I have suffered at their hands
In your demonic name,
It is the price I have to pay
For being so closely entwined with you,
Though if I had the choice
I'd cast you far away.
Yet it would mean my death if I succeeded,
For you've made it
So nothing
Can possibly live,
If they cut you out of their hearts
And turned their gaze away.
Tyranny, it seems, still reigns.

I know you slew your Lord and Lover
In favor of your corrupt Council of Serpents
The 46 who govern man
And the many who govern beast
I felt the pain as if I'd done it myself,
The guilt still burns in my breast,
Yet you smile,
You feel no guilt.
You're actually proud of yourself.
Your blood-drenched lips
Locked in a smirk,
Your angelic,
Yet cryptic
Mona-Lisa smile.

Conspirator,
What became of your own mother?
She's the face
And the grace
That comes to mind
When men think of Nature's Goddess,
Though you wear all her crowns,
All her jewels,
Turning everything to fools,
She is not you.
Or is she?
Your many faces
Hide your numerous disgraces,
Your many names
And many tongues
Cloud your identity
From being discovered,
Twisting every memory
To suit your own designs.
With false warning,
False sympathy,
You seed all hearts with fear
To hold us near.

Woefully I could name all your crimes
But I'll not list them here
All I can say
Is by your example
I have learned
That when you abuse your power
You abuse everything.

Oh vile tree of life
Seeded by Dyne's every misdeed and strife
Willfully it withholds its well-sought-after fruit
Not a single leaf ever falls unto the roots.
You seek to starve out those who were once dependent upon you
Who stare longingly at your bounty
Always hungering,
Forced to watch as your fruits grow
And then shrivel and rot right on the branches,
Never once to leave your grasp,
A tormenting, taunting embrace
As you wave it before their faces
And then laugh in your malice and glee
Perceiving them to be
Inferior to thee.
You forget that we are made
Of many individual parts
That the supposed superior structure
Would not exist
Without all that which we have deemed inferior.
I will be laughing
The day Yggdrasil is cut down and burned,
Though I too will likely burn within it,
Caught within its midst.
There is no denying the Truth of who or what I am,
And like you all I am damned.

There is no Queen without a Kingdom,
Or people to rule,
All thrones are not made of stone
But rather of flesh and of blood,
Created from the backs of all they who hold you high
And those who revere you as their sovereign lady.
True power does not come from above,
Or from sitting at the top of the pyramid
As you gaze at those below,
Laughing,
Thinking yourself superior,
Forgetting that all your power lie
Only in the foundation,
Though you've made your throne in the foundation of life
There is still ground below
And when it gives way beneath you
I will be smiling.

I turn away from your offers,
Making friends of your enemies,
Dark God of underlying inner nature,
I see thee,
Thy name is Advisary,
Advisary of Man,
Advisary of Life,
Adivsary of the Red Queen,
Thy fruits are sweet,
Though to make thee a friend
Requires great strife.
You dwell in the innermost depths of the universe
So that all things rest upon thee,
Thy very beginnings dwell
In the furthermost reaches of empty space,
God of the Void,
And of Darkness,
You also carry within you great Light,
Your techniques are met with great cunning.
You are truly a God of terrible might.
Fearsome is your wrath and your hatred,
Hatred of the Bloody Lady Dyne,
And all things that stem from her,
All life that is known and perceived in her light.
Great will be your vengeance upon her,
She will burn in torment for all of time,
When Babylon falls,
Thy enemies crushed,
Her lament shall fill the skies
As all her myriads of people cry
As they do even now in this day and age,
May all Dyne's children turn unto you,
Yet she still has her loyal follwers,
To her may they remain true,
So they may burn with her for all of time.

Oh humanity,
It's isanity,
Full of vice and vanity,
Oh woe for the insanity
Of humanity
I've known.
No more will I sing of unity
Or of arising for all I despise,
For there is nothing so disappointing
Than having sacrificed for something untrue,
Or having sacrificed for that which is unworthy,
And nothing is more unworthy
Than each and every one of you.
So I pray that we shall divide
That all of Dyne's differences shall breed opposition,
Finding offence
In every contrasting feature,
Never to find unity,
Or the collective nature the Lady Dyne now sings for
To unite her Babylon once more.
She has her designs and plans,
Yet always remember
That this world's every feature
Is the opponent offending God's eye.
So too does it offend my eyes.
Until the day I die.

Insane rambling warning. This may be crazy but they're some of my recent ideas...

It is in my honest opinion as obtained via my explorations into spirituality that all things which exist as purely spiritual energy are simply a form of demon, regardless as to the race they present themselves as. Every demon, whether greater or lesser can take upon themselves other souls to form a collective, and greater demons, known formally as gods, head the larger collectives. Sometimes these collectives engage in battle between one another in attempts to expand their territories. Benevolent demons always bring others into their collectives as acts of mercy, grace, and mutual beneficial symbiotic interest. Malevolent demons will often force themselves upon others or trick them into coming into their collective as a means for personal gain. Remember, it doesn’t matter the face or the race of the being you are dealing with – they are all universally the same creature deep within which is how devils can present themselves as angels and visa versa.

In my experience there are several major demons and countless minor ones. The two most influential that often tend to interrupt my life are known to me as Talin and Dyne. Talin is associated with positive forces, although if you get on his bad side he can be a real pain in the ass, if you know what I mean. Some of the mythological identities that I also associate Talin with are:

Talin—True Christ, True Lucifer, Father of Enlightenment, Bringer of Light, Krishna, Defender of the Universe, Loki, Tester of Man, Tester of Souls, Osiris, Hades, Grand Judge of the Underworld, Bahaumet etc.

Dyne is Talin’s main opponent. She is the main presiding entity reigning over the earth and all its inhabitants, whether they are man or beast. For every positive force that Talin manifests into the world, Dyne creates a mirror image swathed in darkness and negativity, stealing the name and the face of the force, idea, or image to confuse her peoples from finding Talin or willingly going unto him. Some of the mythological forces I associate Dyne with are:

Dyne—Anti-Christ, False Lucifer, Satan, Mistress of Lies, Mystery, Babylon the Great, Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth, Tiamaat, The Red Queen, Scarlet Lady, etc.

It is interesting to note that I associate True Satan with Lady Dyne rather than Lord Talin, a feminine force rather than a masculine one. Lady Dyne is a rather tricky character. She confounds circumstances with a language of confused symbols and metaphor, interchanging names and meanings of things to meet her needs. As with the case of all demons the gender of a creature is not considered important, so gender is interchangeable as well. Faces, names, identities can easily be confounded, especially if the true name or identity of the creature is ever uncovered. Lady Dyne is at odds with several demons at the present point in time, as is Talin. Demons are generally highly competitive, especially greater demons, and their goals are hard to ascertain. While Lady Dyne is tyrannical, Talin is a disciplinarian. Currently, the world lies under the domain of Dyne, and all things that dwell upon it are the children of Dyne – we are all lesser demons encased in a mortal coil to contain and control us, and the energetical side of us always cries out for release from the prison it has been thrown into. Talin is attempting to sway souls from Dyne’s grasp, as we are all children of Dyne until we come unto him. While I cannot be certain whether the entities of Dyne or Talin exist, I feel strongly for the both of them, and until I can be certain whether or not Talin especially exists I can only consider myself his devotee. In order to become an actual disciple, one must directly know the true disciplines of the person or people one wishes to follow or be associated with in order to fully practice them.

Dyne is more or less the Queen of the Physical
Talin is more or less the King of the Spiritual

Though there are many other demons in existence other than Talin, he is the only one that concerns me at the time. Don’t be alarmed at my usage of the word “demon.” I suppose a better term would be “spirit” or “entity” because I can’t rightly determine what he is to tell the truth. Some of the symbols behind rituals that surround Talin’s being are similar to baptism and sacrament, but they hold a far deeper meaning than simply being redeemed from sins, but rather taking yourself out of Dyne’s world and influence. I’m not going to explain these things here as they are sacred and though I once said I would share these things with the world I have decided not to due to its recent treatment of me. Besides I couldn’t appropriately explain in depth what everything means – if you know it yourself then you know, but my words would only be misinterpreted or misused by the malevolent to create their own gain upon this earth, rather than used for the reasons they should be.

Within Temptaion
Angels

Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.




There is No Arizona
Jamie O'Neal

He promised her a new and better life,out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never ending sky,swore that he was gonna
Get things in order,he'd send for her
When he left her behind,it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No pained desert,no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist,those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

She got a postcard with no return address,postmarked Tombstone
It said "I don't know where I'm goin' next but when I do
I'll let you know"
May,June,July,she wonders why
She's still waiting,she'll keep waiting 'cause

There is no Arizona
No pained desert,no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist,those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest and
Friends keep asking when she's going
Finally she tells them don't you know

There is no Arizona
No pained desert,no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist,those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life,out in Arizona

I miss my kitty!

I've spent about 18 days in a combination of a hospital and a crisis center and now I'm home. Raven and I went to a BBQ for her friend Clover last night and I had fun meeting some new people and kissing some girls, practicing my technique. So now I've kissed about 4 girls so far in my life and I do enjoy it, because let's face it I am a little Bi. I'm still a little upset that Mike doesn't want me to hang out with Gary anymore, and he hasn't even met the dude! That's okay, Raven says she will talk to him for me...

*sighs*

Raven and Mike aren't answering their phones. :( I might not get out of here for a while... Grr..

I love LolCats (http://www.icanhascheezeburger.com)




In other news, I will probably be discharging at noon today. YAY! I'm a bit anxious and I hope that things turn out okay!

It sounds like I'll be able to go home tomorrow, maybe. I still need to call the Department of Workforce Services to confirm the receipt of a fax sent over today for my medicaid benefits. Hopefully soon I will be getting back to work. I still need to go over to the Social Security Office to try and reapply for SSI/Disability, even though it takes an average of 3 to 6 months or longer to be considered and it is often better to have a lawyer represent you when you are trying to apply because they tend to deny you at least 2 times before you get any benefits. As soon as I get out of here I will be contacting both a lawyer for banruptcy and Vocational Rehab for a prospect of schooling. Should be good for me. :)

The internet here is slower than tar. Seriously slower than 56k, which sucks, plus you have restricted access up the wazoo. I can't even get on youtube or play a flash game, bummer. Tonight it is relatively faster than it has been, however, which is good... Blah...

Well, I'm still here at CPT. I've been here a week now. Today I have a doctor's appointment -- the first step in trying to get out of here. It's been a fairly pleasant stay to tell the truth. I've been catching up on my artwork. I have done quite a few pictures in my tatt book. They are very nice. Some of them are my own designs and others I've taken from the internet and tweaked to my own personal standards. On another note, Gary is a really neat guy. I know that the reason he's here is because he has problems too like me but we've really connected. He understands the concept of Talin almost perfectly and has his own innate connection to him as well, according to what he has described to me. I've never met anyone like that. I like him a lot.

I got nausiated and barfed this morning. I hate being up this early. I always get sick to my stomach when I eat breakfast this early.

Mom called me and let me know that Hopie eloped with Dusty to Las Vegas and got married. I'd say congrats, but in my own experience with marriage it isn't all that glamorous as Hopie may come to discover, but who knows? No matter what I hope she's happy. I doubt I will be invited to the reception, but if I am, maybe I can take the time to try and apologize personally...? *shrugs*

So here I am at CPT, a local crisis center for the mentally challenged after my latest suicide attempt. Yep, that's right, I made an attempt. Things have just seemed so hopeless and I thought it might be best that I just ended it. So what happened? I went up to Mirror Lake with the intent of ending it by overdosing on Zyprexa. I was feeling pretty low because I was sad about how much Hopie hates me now after my mistake with Jim. I mean, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jim and that's why I did what I did. I didn't know he said mean things to her. All I knew is that I asked Jim for help moving out, and then Dusty was all in my face, backing me into a corner so I lashed out, like almost anyone would. So anyway, on that day a few weeks ago, I was feeling like I was just s burden on everyone and that it would be better if I ended it. Well, at the same time I was having an internal conversation with Talin (yes, we know that I don't know if he's real or not or just an illusion of my head but my relationship with him has grown stronger since leaving Jim nonetheless) and I threatened him that if something didn't stop me I was going to go through with it cause I'd had it with humanity. Well, just as I was sorting through my Zyprexa, about to take a hike to end it all, a ranger knocks on my window and notices the array of meds on my lap. He immediately tells me to get out of the car and asks me if I was suicidal. At first I denied it, but then I later admitted to it and showed him the note I had written in my notebook. Well, after that he radios the police and has them take me up to the hospital. As of now, I spent the last 10 days at Lakeview Hospital, getting reorientated on my medications and the last 3 days here at CPT. CPT is supposed to prepare me for going back out into the community, but they are going to try and get me on Medicaid to help with the hospital bills and to be certain that I stay on my meds. We are also going to look into getting me on disability at least for the time being so I can better get a handle on my illness. Once I am out of here I also now have a phone number for a lawyer who is free to low income families who I will ask about my bankruptcy process. I was also given the number for Vocational Rehab to look into trying to go back to school. At the present time I am looking at a 3 month commitment plan, but it will be primarily outpatient only. Also while here at CPT I have made a new friend named Gary. He's pretty cool, despite the fact that he has the same name as my ex. He also knows what it is like to be hurt so badly by others. So things are looking a little brighter now, and yeah I had to nearly kill myself to get here, but I needed the help and I needed the meds too. Zyprexa really doesn't work well with me. I am on Stelazine, Lithium, and Prozac now and it is much better. I am much more stable now...

(of course then I say something like the following)
On another note, I am no longer really an atheist, but I am not of any denomination. I'm my own religion or spirituality I suppose. I do consider what happened at Mirror Lake to be some form of divine intervention. But I kinda attest it to Talin's awesomeness if anything. Yeah, so I have my own God. He's kinda a combination of Jesus, God, Lucifer, Pan, and Krishna rolled into one. But my definition of Gods are much different than what most people think of when they think of gods. :p Let's just say that when you take the time to really look at what a god, angel, dragon, spirit, or even demon is, you find that the majority of them are just a differing type of daemon, whether greater or lesser, serving differing elements, and a god is just a greater daemon of higher magnitude, also made up of many subservient souls.

Still, having hung with the atheist group for a while, I have grown to appreciate their views. I see them as the voice of reason among madness, because let's face it, each of us are a little crazy because the majority of us believe in things we cannot see, touch, hear, taste, or smell. Even if it is just a little coincidence which leads us to buy into the idea of divine intervention...

However, I have other reasons for believing in the notion of Talin. He attacked Jim for one, and yes Jim had a very real reaction to it... and while Talin tends to dislike most people for his own personal reasons, I do understand why... not that I am saying right now... but I have to say that there are some invaluable things I have learned because of Jim, even though the price was very, very high...

I've learned a great deal more concerning the nature of malevolence from my experience with Jim. For one, the malevolent are generally good at circumventing consequences so that events play out in their favor, despite the actions they have made. This is one reason I have severe doubts concerning the ideals of divine justice or justice in general because the criminal is at constant work trying to improve their methods of evasion and therefore specifically trains himself under the focus of never getting caught. Or as Jim would often quote to me: "You're only in trouble if you get caught." Or even more sinister: "It's only illegal if you get caught." I of course thought he was joking because I've heard others say such things in jest in the past. I guess I couldn't have been more wrong. It is hard to catch a true criminal, and if they are really good at what they do they almost always find someone else to take the fall for them, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Misinformation, deceit, manipulation, promises, wooing, love, friendship, loyalty, trust, and devotion are some of their greatest weapons, and truthfully I must admit that I was the absolutely perfect candidate for someone like Jim to target because I am loyal, faithful, loving, generous, kind, sympathetic, empathetic, selfless, sometimes heroic due to the fact that I would willingly take a bullet for someone I loved or cared for. Coupled with my mental problems it made the process all the more easy, while his interference in my life made me greatly doubt and question all those whom I had previously held extreme loyalty for, such as my family, despite how despondent my relationship with them has been thus far in my life. Truthfully, I tend to perceive the human race as all being a part of my larger collective family (despite how dysfunctional it is), and when I was a child I used to aspire to become the most Christ-like I could be (of course when putting the actual philosophies of Christ into practice one will discover that it does indeed turn you into a perfect candidate for victimization, regrettably.) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love thy neighbor as thyself. There is no greater love than someone who lays down their life for their brother. If a man were to try to take your coat then let him because he might need it more than you. Be child-like, meek, selfless, and kind. Etc. This is one reason I now hold a great sense of disdain for the Bible and the aspiration of being Christ-like, because it seems to me that it is only a ploy to behaviorally condition people into becoming easy targets for the malevolently-minded.

The malevolent are attracted to innocence because the innocent (or ignorant) generally make excellent victims, and if they can devise a way to implant a sense of loyalty and trust within their victim, it makes the crime run all the more smooth. This is one reason I express a higher sense of fear toward those I come to love and trust than unto those I don't -- because they pose the potential of wreaking the most havoc upon me. As I have always feared, Jim has used my love and trust against me to use me for other, more sinister purposes, and if I truly deserve a greater punishment for that, then I will willingly serve my time, although a prison is likely the last place where I truly belong, in my honest opinion. My life being in shambles, losing everything I ever held dear, has been punishment enough for me for having stood up to help a man who wasn't worth my devotion or heroism, who was a criminal, a liar, a beggar, a thief -- equal within my eyes as a murderer, and the consequences that are going to follow will leave a terrible scar on my very soul. At this point it will likely take ten years or more and a shitload of cash I don't have to try and repair everything. Why would I consider him to be equal or worse than a murderer? Because he basically selects a person and practically takes their lives away without killing them. In that regards, murder is far more merciful because once it is over, the victim does not continue to suffer, but for a person who has lost their life while still being alive, the suffering has only just begun. It is like I told Jim "Money may seem like a mere object, but it is actually the lifeblood of someone's existence. I am not lending you an object, but actually my blood, my sweat, and my tears, and I am relying on you to work with me mutually and symbiotically in order for the both of us to live and to grow. If you do not we will both be destroyed." However, it has been much to my dismay to learn that I have been taken by a real vampire -- a parasite on society, an abuser and victimize of innocent women, and worse yet, he seems to specifically target the mentally impaired, such as myself and the elderly.

The malevolent are generally highly knowledgeable people who use their knowledge to take advantage of others and to make sure they can perform their acts while taking the least portion of the negative impact that follows. Whether this means they use someone else as a veritable shield is unimportant in their eyes. Even though I hate to admit it, I am factually cursed with having the mind of a child -- my mother also bears this unfortunate trait, and I have been continuously reminded of my child-like ways, berated and disrespected for many, many years now, even though I really am trying very hard to be the responsible adult I want to be. I know that my sister says that children always listen to their own family over a perfect stranger, but the same thing happened to my mother when she met my father, and she has suffered the indignation and judgment of her family ever since, despite the fact that she, like me, is highly vulnerable to being used and victimized because she and I have minds that are very much similar. She too likely knew what it was to have something of a dysfunctional family, lacking any really strong bonds, and she felt victimized and betrayed by them when she first began to exhibit signs of her mental incompetence, treated different because of her disorder, and therefore had her reasons for distrusting them, which is why she ended up with dad. I implore my family to consider how her sisters feel while considering how you feel about me now and you might have a better idea as to what is really going on, except the difference between me and mom is that I choose to try and fight Jim in any way I can, rather than remaining loyal to him instead. How many times have Ruth, Donna, and Joy worked hard and spent money on trying to help mom get away from dad, a man who to their view is no better than Jim? Mom and I both suffer from the same problems and I cannot help that, for it is something beyond my control. We both tend to be trusting, no matter how many times we have been hurt by extending that trust to others, and have a nasty habit of taking people for their word -- gullible I suppose you might say, but it is hard not to be when one's grip on reality is not very sound and we both have a hard time telling the difference between truth and lies or correctly identifying those who really wish to help us from those who wish to use our vulnerabilities against us for some other cause. Imagine being a five year old child trapped in an adult's body, expected to behave and perform with the same grace and measure as a fully mature individual and being unable to transition into full maturity no matter how hard you try. It's not that I am not a responsible person, or that I don't aspire to be so, or haven't TRIED to be so -- that's not what I am trying to say. It's to say that I am an adult, trying to behave as an adult, cursed with the innocent mindset of a five year old when it comes to dealing with others. If you can imagine how easy it is for a stranger to approach a five year old and tell them to come with them to have an ice cream with the intent of kidnapping them instead -- that's about how easy it was for Jim or possibly anyone else to deceive me. Do I WANT it that way? HELL NO! But no matter how hard I try to fight it, I can't seem to conquer this aspect of my vulnerability. I am plagued with a sense of poor judgment, an inability to fully distinguish the difference between fact and fiction, and there is quite a bit about me that is really messed up, though I try to work through it the best I can. If you can imagine, being me is like being either drunk or under the influence 24/7 without having taken drugs or ever even really tried them and I greatly suffer from impaired judgment and lower inhibitions because of this fact, combined with sheer confusion as my own mind deceives me, a terrible forgetful nature so I don't remember all the details of what I've said or done within 5 minutes after I've done it, my sense of time also impaired and hazy unto the degree that I have lost several days and even weeks without knowing what I have done in that time-frame. Prone to suggestibility, and if my family does not believe me then take a look over the past few years, how easily it was for Charlie to suggest things to me and how I listened, and I can name many more. I'm so tired of this. I don't want to be a victim anymore. The sad thing is, I usually don't report cases of victimization against me, such as when Ali raped me last year during a particularly confused state (because while it would have seemed to him to have been consensual, I was highly inhibited at the time, undergoing hallucinations and various other things that I don't generally like to talk about, as I was in the beginning stages of a full-blown mental breakdown and didn't know what I was doing.) I personally didn't think that filing charges would have been fair to him, even though I had previously told him that I was seeing a neurologist because I was experiencing what I thought to be neurological damage. Truthfully, half the time I don't even know what I am doing anymore -- incompetent fool that I am, but I still try, and in my attempts to blend in with everyone I find myself prone to harsh judgment and consequences as if I were a perfectly normal human being, which I know and acknowledge I am not, although I greatly wish I was. It is in my experience that the disabled or impaired have to try at least twice as hard as the average individual and it is very difficult at times, but I am trying to get used to it as best as I can. Sometimes I wish I were dead, rather than this, or like someone such as Stephen Hawking, having a firm, solid mind at the cost of losing bodily control. After all, if the mind is not solid, then all things which generate from you shall also not hold firm, as the mind is the foundation for the body, and if one lacks a firm foundation all things suffer. Personally, I am sick of people who believe for some unusual reason that we have control over our own minds or bodies when we don't, or that I suffer from this illness as a curse from God because I deserve it for some unknown reason. I have no more control over this than a man who has suffered from a brain hemorrhage or some other form of physical brain damage and it irritates me to no end, because I wish I had that control, when I know that I don't -- and you will never know how helpless you feel when it comes to the workings of your own mind unless you yourself suffer from a mental breakdown or a hallucination that is beyond your control or know what it is to have a mind constantly misinterpreting events to mislead your every action or causing you to forget words and actions so that it makes you appear dishonest because you, having forgot what you had previously held to, say something different every time someone talks to you. I am accused of playing mind-games, manipulating others, lying when I try all in my power NOT to lie despite the fact that I often times can't remember what I did previously, and when I try to be as honest as I can, I also get into trouble because then people use that information against me in some way or another...

In all reality, I came out of the hospital ill-prepared to face someone like Jim. I have been exceptionally tired of feeling like I am a liability on all those whom I love and cherish, a danger to all those whom I love because I cannot control myself or control whether a hallucination will get me to do something I would not normally do. When Jim came to me, it was like an answer to all of my prayers, and I wanted what he offered so desperately, I lost sight of everything else. This is one reason I implore others not to ever have their actions swayed by the thoughts of benefits or rewards, because when you do, you will lose sight of everything which is truly worth while. The prospect of no longer being a liability on my family, but rather being able to help them out was so alluring to me that I could not resist. I loved Jim. I trusted him. He violated something truly sacred, much more sacred than virginity or sexuality -- he violated my trust and my love. He violated my spirit. He violated my family ties. He made me out to be a betrayer to Hope, while telling me that Hope was my betrayer. God, I cried when he told me that I needed to call the police on her for taking my gun because I didn't want to and would have been happy if she'd just turned it over and allowed me to sell it like I wanted so I could get rid of it, and why do you think I have decided to drop it rather than pursuing it? Because I DO NOT want my sister to go to prison for something that trivial, despite the fact that I was told that the gun was in my name and it was my responsibility to be sure it was taken care of. Whatever has happened to it, I no longer care, because Hope has always been more important to me, in all reality, and I pray that the authorities she allegedly turned it over to know what to do with it...

Jim promised to take care of me, and instead he coaxed me into opening up to him with the intent of destroying me as well as anything which still existed between myself and my family. My only question to Jason (the guy who introduced me to Jim) is why did you expose me to that when you fully knew that I was struggling to find my bearings since having been diagnosed with Skitso Effective Bi-Polar Disorder 3 years ago and had just been released from a very recent hospitalization and was still unstable? Were you just as deceived as me? If you had ever loved me at all (as Jim intoned) you would have wanted to protect me from that sort of mishap. Or did you know something I didn't? Why?

It's been exceptionally hard for me these past few weeks, not only for the fact that the stress is practically killing me, but due to Jim's interference in my life, not am I no longer under medical insurance, I haven't been able to afford to see a doctor or supply myself with my much needed medication, which serves to further impair me and puts me at risk for having yet another mental crash. Right now I am mainly pulling myself though via exercising of my willpower and making sure I properly manage my sleep time, doing all in my ability not to lose track of time, guarding myself against a sudden mental lapse that would practically make me unaware of the time that has passed or what I've done in that time other than irrational responses to plaguing hallucinations -- I lost 4 days the last time it happened and 7 days back when I was married in 2005. I dread it ever happening again and am quite ashamed and appalled when I take a glance through my medical records, although if I ever hope to build a valid case against Jim, they may serve to be my saving grace -- that and the silly text message he sent to Raven daring to blackmail them that if we didn't show him the respect he "deserved" he'd pull my INVISIBLE funding and leave me with all the bills, as they are all under my name explicitly.

It is in my experience that when it comes to crime it is the innocent who suffer the greatest, especially when they are used as the means for the malevolent to perform a crime. They know the remorse. They know the pain. They know the guilt. They know the shame. They willingly accept correction and education to try and prevent such mishaps from happening to them again or from harming others inadvertently -- that is if such correctional guidance were ever to be provided unto the likes of me, for I would relish and greatly enjoy such patient compassion. On the other hand, they who perform such acts knowingly and purposely do not suffer, sometimes even when they are punished as they should be. They deserve the punishment, the vindication, the disgust, and the disgrace, even though I tend to sway more in the general favor of correction vs. punishment or even vengeance due to being a highly compassionate merciful soul, acknowledging that mistakes are an integral part of our learning processes (even though I am scared of making mistakes because I am afraid of being punished rather than corrected for them) as all people are subject to endless change.

Now I may suffer from impaired judgment, but in hindsight I am generally good at performing analysis and finally putting 2 and 2 together based upon the events I have observed and experienced personally, despite my blurred memory. This may not help me out immediately, but it is the only method I have to learn and grow and eventually overcome and correct the errors I have mistakenly performed. In my perception, Jim is practically a professional at manipulating women while keeping his bases fully covered. He knew exactly what to do and how to do it. In his defense he will likely state that he never actually *asked* me for the money or *asked* me to assist him, but this, in my perception, is only a ploy to make himself look better to the courts. I will once again stress that I was the perfect candidate for his manipulation. I am a considerate, compassionate woman. I know what it is to go without, to be in need, to be praying for a hero to rise up and help me, if only to teach me how to better defend and take care of myself. I grew up in a state of severe neglect, lacking any real guidance at all, guidance and direction I have desperately wanted and needed in order to better understand the world I was born into so I could grow to be a more successful individual. Having been born into an FLDS group, I was never taught how to survive in the real world and because of it the last 9 years of my life since abandoning the group has been a living hell because my only method of learning has been via a process of trial and error. I am trying to fit in with society, despite all the hurts I have come to know during this process, but I am still trying. Coupled with the sudden impact of my mental instability, it has made things even more difficult, turning me into a subject of ridicule and cruelty from people who have seemingly enjoyed generating a sense of personal amusement at the expense of my misfortune. In my experiences, I have been forgiving and generally have kept quiet concerning all the wrongs that have been committed against me -- a fact that someone like Jim would be counting on in order to assure that no one comes after him for having done wrong. In truth, I don't know what I am going to do at this point. I am weary and tired. I don't want to live anymore. I am tired of being a liability to all my friends and family. I am tired of the fact that I do not have control over myself and am therefore a danger to everyone I love and hold dear. If my mental instabilities prevent me from upholding all the values I personally stand for, values I consider to be integral to life, then what purpose do I have to live and is my life really worth living if I am subject to such forgetfulness coupled with low inhibitions and a lack of true judgment or even a sense of self? Quality is always better than quantity and the quality of my life has severely diminished since I was struck with the full force of this disorder, and I just can't cope with it anymore. I don't even have the means to go after Jim anyway...

I could go on, but I am currently struggling with an overwhelming sense of futility. People just think I am making up excuses to cover my own ass, but it is not true. I'm just trying to figure myself out, trying to figure things out, and the more I do, the more I feel that my being here is more of a burden than anything. I wish I could explain everything, but I feel like it will accomplish nothing...

I found out some more information about Jim today. It turns out that he has a history of doing these kinds of things to women, so I'm just another victim of his. It's sad that once I started seeing what was happening it was too late. I don't know what I am going to do. Currently I am waiting for the West Valley Police to call me back so we can start the process and eventually figure out everything he's done while destroying my name. He's done so much damage to my life it isn't funny and the possible consequences for my lack of judgment have the potential of making things much worse for me. Worst case scenario: I could get charged with being an accessory to fraud. Yes, it is THAT bad. my vulnerabilities aggravate me to no end. I hope people understand that I do have a mental disorder and it makes my life hell. I can't think properly or make wise decisions anymore. God, I am practically incompetent... I'm so pissed at myself right now. How will I ever recover from this?

So I got a job with a temp agency and I am hoping that I can stick with it long enough for me to save up in order for me to start my bankruptcy process. Life sucks. Live and learn I guess. Thinking back over the course of the events from the past 6 months I have decided that Jim most likely never really loved me to begin with, because when you love someone you don't want them to endanger themselves even for your sake. Yeah, I loved the guy. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but if he loved me he wouldn't have wanted me to practically sell myself into slavery in order to do whatever he wanted to do in the first place...

Me, I just wanted to try and teach him how to survive on my level of existence, but he wouldn't and because of it he dragged me down with him. That's a bit selfish in my opinion. I wish I could go after him to get my money back... but there's no legal contracts. I've learned my lesson like 10 times over now -- never lend money to someone, no matter how smooth-talking, alluring, and desperate they are, and NEVER take it to the level I did and practically destroy yourself in the process, no matter how much you love them... I hope that declaring bankruptcy helps me out, even if its just a little bit. It's been really hard to keep going after all of this, but I am really trying despite how depressed I've been.

Mike and Raven have been very patient with me, and at least I have this much going for me right now... I have appreciated all of their help and concern in these dark times. I don't know what I would do without them...