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Holly's Holy Oil Recipe

Here ya go guys, a recipie for a horrid witches brew. I call it Holly's Holy Oil. See if you can make odds or ends of it. I have no clue...

Holly's Holy Oil

Mint leaves
Cococnut Oil
Olive Oil
Baby Oil
Water (fresh tap water)
Butter
Pepper-black
Small bit of red pepper
Mustard Seeds
Peppercorns - Assorted
Cinnamon
Nutmeg
Tumeric
Sage - flowers too
Rosepetals
Rosebud
Rose Pollen
Pine Needles
Pine Pollen
Juniper Seeds
Pure Salt -- maybe from SLC Salt Flats or Jordan (Dead Sea)
Dirt from the desert
Stone found while thinking
Tips of Nightshade - not leaves
Pine Bark
Pine Sap
Water from the Garden Park Ward (subsitute if needed)
Soda water -- preferrably from a spring like Soda Springs ID
Bacon Grease or bacon
Coffee or coffee grounds
Cigarette Ashes
Cigarette filters you found (used)

Might need more added here or there... supposed to be different every time, you know, but HAVE FUN!

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Youtube Transcript: The "Evil" in Nature

I made a video series a while ago called the "Evil" in Nature. Part four is missing and needs to be re-recorded, so I wanted to share the transcript until such time I fix the final part:

This observation was made shortly after I was taken advantage of by a man who will remain nameless. It came to me after two mental breakdowns in which I was observing the nature of life and the Primal Mind. The opinions that follow are still how I view the world.

Part 1: The Primal Mind is influenced genetically and instincts stemming from genetics are based upon one's interactions, experiences, and personal choices accumulated over a course of generations and written into the genetic consciousness of all living organisms over a course of time, both individually and collectively, so that one's current path is responsible for the instincts and genetic behaviors of further generations, and one's current status is primarily determined by all which came before. While these behaviors are heavily responsible for one's current innermost instincts, they do NOT completely control an organism -- they merely are there as something of a reference, one's personal genetic library to the past as to how that specific species has overall behaved which determined the specific attributes that assisted with their true success and survival, and therefore there is a little leeway for change and alteration, evolution, and possible "betterment" to occur, thereby creating the nature of alleged "free-will," which I believe is factually present in all animals and organisms and not only mankind (although humanity can only really acknowledge its presence within themselves and are therefore usually oblivious to this fact due to the fact that they want to feel like they are "special" in regards to the rest of the animal kingdom.) I know that there are those out there who will attest that man's behaviors are due to personal choice and the exercising of one's will-power, or to having a "soul," but this is very much untrue in my honest opinion. Humanity, like all living things, is governed by chemistry, the true driving force of life, wherein the fact is that humanity's apparent nature of "free-will" has actually been determined by the nature of one's genetics, which has also been written into existence due to the accomplishments and survival instincts of one's ancestry, and crucially determined by one's internal chemistry for chemistry influences genetics as these are comprised of chemistry as well, and humanity, like every living organism is chemically driven to behave unto the nature of their specific specifications, as all species are. Their underlying, basic, and primal nature is therefore determined by what they are, not as a choice, as they would like to believe, although there is once again leeway for change and alteration to occur, as there is in all species, which lends the presence of an apparent free-willed nature or a "soul." Therein comes the choice: does one rely on the underlying primal code of instinct which has served to be reliable in maintaining an established lifestyle and has proven over the test of time and natural circumstance to be paramount to a species' superior rate of survival, or does one venture to attempt something new and different and take the risk of dying young?

If you think that genetically it is written into YOUR personal archive that "being good" or doing what society says is "right" and shuns as "wrong" lays in balance with everything which has occurred in the eternal struggle of primal nature before the rules and nature of society, concepts of "honor," integrity, or even "good" and "evil" unto itself you would be COMPLETELY WRONG. In other words the Primal Mind does not think of “good” or “evil” but sheer and utter survival. So what was so wrong when we allegedly came to knowledge of “good” and “evil” a sin which supposedly led to the fallen state? And THIS is why I think I am in Hell and this universe is totally malevolent in its innermost self, or that if god or gods exist they are most likely what we would perceive to be the uttermost evil in their behaviors and ways. Throw your idea of condemning humanity for the cruelty of all things natural out the window, please, and REALLY think about it if you are Christian, because any god who so wickedly enacts such total vengeance upon generations of generations of an ENTIRE planet for seeking knowledge of ANY sort is a malevolent tyrant in my honest opinion, but then again, the nature of life seemingly stands as a testament or monument that the most favored creature of all is in fact the cunning tyrant who hides his true face behind a mask of gentle and loving benevolence or open wisdom. Forget the idea that we get what we "deserve" or that the alleged bad-guy gets it in the end, because if they are smart (and the BEST at being malevolent are really the SMARTEST people you may ever imagine) they NEVER get it, as I am of the opinion if they do not "get it" in this current life then it is just as good as if they never did. Look at nature -- does the gazelle revel in the idea that the lion will know justice for being what it is and killing other creatures, even its own kind, in its quest for survival? You may say that the circumstances are different because we are humans and it’s a lion, but WHY? WHAT MAKES US SO DIFFERENT FROM THE NATURAL WORLD??? We ARE animals. Therefore, don't pass up the option or opportunity of delivering retribution to one who has wronged you believing that they will be delivered unto justice by some god who may or may not exist or some imaginary system of spiritual bullshit, BECAUSE ALL IT HAS DONE TO YOU, oh humanity, IS TURN YOU INTO A BUNCH OF DOORMATS, OPENING UP THE WAY FOR THE MALEVOLENT TO CONTROL YOU AND YOU NEVER STOPPING THEM!!! It is the MOST clever trap I have EVER seen by the malevolent, and you ARE CONTINUALLY WALKING INTO IT! Stop thinking that the "meek will inherit the earth!" All this phrase is doing to you is behaviorally conditioning you by promising you a GREAT reward for behaving meekly, and you seeing the reward want to do it because instinctually you WANT to inherit the earth, being the territorial animal you really are inside. It is not the "meek" who EVER factually have inherited ANYTHING in the overall natural and human world, or in the world in general. AND STOP THINKING YOU'RE GONNA GET IT IN ANOTHER LIFE OR IN THE ALLEGED AFTERLIFE BECAUSE THIS JUST MAKES YOU CONTENT WITH NOT HAVING IT NOW AND YOU MAY NOT GET ANOTHER CHANCE BECAUSE WE CAN'T PROVE THAT THE AFTERLIFE EVEN EXISTS! It is in fact the AMBITIOUS and the INTELLIGENT who inherit ANYTHING, and if you REALLY look into the inner nature of humanity you will see that the greatest weapon they have within their arsenal of survival tactics is no tool of design, though it is more deadly than any knife or gun ever wrought: deception and manipulation, and the more intelligent an organism is, the more deceptive and manipulative they are capable of being -- this has also been witnessed in studies. In some ways, those of you who are falling for this manipulation are allowing yourselves to be genetically engineered to become slaves, setting yourselves upon the path to eventually becoming a total slave race, kept in line by a false sense of illusory freedom, as they who are above such influence mingle less and less with your kind of intellectual mindset, which will eventually and undoubtedly bring about a racial and species rift, that is, if it already hasn't happened and we are unaware.... (who knows?)


What I am trying to say is that our carnal nature is there because of the overall nature of successful survival in the world in general, the nature of competition and survival whose history is written into all of us and results in our innermost violent tendencies, as survival has always been a process of very real and ugly violence and adversity no matter what you may or may not believe. Humanity may want to change that but is it for the better?

Now I know that many of you still have doubts when it comes to the alleged "evil" in nature, stemming from the smallest to the largest of organisms, all things reflective and following similar patterns throughout the universe. I want you to pause for a moment and take the time to "listen" to the earth as I hear it and maybe you may come to understand what I feel when I contemplate the nature of the universe. Please note, that I am not condemning these things as really being "evil" in and of themselves, but for the fact that humanity tends to think that death and suffering is a form of "evil" and I am merely pointing out these things as being highly commonplace in our world and universe in general. These processes have always existed in various ferocity throughout all time, and it is only humanity which seems to be in denial toward the cruel carnal nature of their world, seeking to either reverse engineer it, or control others through masking its true nature behind goodness and integrity which I now question the reality. Now, stop and consider these things: how many organisms die with every breath you take, because if your immune system does not kill them, they will cause you infections, sickness, and death? With each day, how many millions of cells in your body perish and are renewed? Across the globe, how many creatures of microbiology engage in competition and perish on a daily basis? Now, consider the industries that make their living on the slaughtering of animals: beef, chicken, pork, seafood, etc. and think about how many of those animals are slaughtered on a daily basis just in America alone... then think of how many there are across the globe, both of larger business and small family farms, and even people engaging in hunting or fishing excursions of their own planning. Then think: how many trees do we cut down on a daily basis? Furthermore: how many animals and plants are slaughtered in some of the most vicious ways on a daily basis within nature itself, outside of humanity's influence? How many domesticated animals die from being unwanted or through animal cruelty imposed upon them by their human counterparts? How many various living creatures are engaged with fighting off bacterial or viral infections, many of them dying in the process? How many are engaged with territorial disputes and other violent forms of competition in which they must undergo within their daily lives?

If you think that it is the high presence of death that disturbs me, then I want you to consider something when it comes to birth: birth is a very traumatizing event for a newborn to experience. In the case of cellular reproduction, one is forced to practically split oneself down the center and halve into two whole parts. In viral reproduction a virus must inject its genetic information into a cell, whence that cell becomes inflamed and eventually explodes while giving birth to many viral copies in one of the most violent forms of reproduction one can possibly imagine. In the case of mammalian birth, a newborn must be thrust through an opening which is somewhat too small for it to fit comfortably, pushed into a cold, frightening world of light and sound that is terrifying in comparison to what they were previously accustomed. The sound that almost all creatures make when they first awaken into this world is a shrill scream, so that death in itself is not the only "sound" of screaming I perceive but also the renewal of life itself... How many people in the world are currently engaged in various domestic disputes which divulge into violence, no matter their cause or reason? I also want people to consider the average of what people off up as prayers and think of how many of them likely consist of begging for mercy, protection, healing, etc. in comparison to thankfulness and the begging for blessings and boons, and you might start to see where I seem to get the idea that when "listening" to the sounds of the world in general one may come to find that the sound of weeping, begging, screaming, and wailing seems to far outweigh the sounds of laughter or pleasure that arise from daily living...

The Buddha said it first: "Life is suffering," and I cannot help but agree. This isn't something intoning that human life is the only thing that suffers, but all living things do, and always have, so I can't help but ask myself, where DOES the idea of a benevolent god or gods fit in with life's continual bloodbath of endless suffering? Where did we get the idea that those things which sit above us could be any better than we are, especially if we were created by them?

In the system of life, the strongest are also almost always the most vicious, and we must ask ourselves if "turning the other cheek" is wise when we are in the presence of a so-called "wrongdoer" because when all things are considered, most creatures do not know what they did was truly right or wrong unless they too feel the sting of what you suffered and learn that it was truly a bad thing. This is mainly due to the fact that the primal mind associates pleasure as being "good" and pain as being "bad," and if a man or woman has pleasure from hurting others without ever tasting pain in return, they are far more likely to continue doing it. Don't think that there are not people out there who experience pleasure from harming others or even killing others because in being the partially predatory creature we are in ourselves, we must acknowledge that part of being a predator is experiencing pleasure in stalking, cornering, and tearing prey asunder, and we are not immune to this personality trait or traits, or so I have come to understand. It is in fact a poor predator which perceives pain when it kills its prey, and as sadistic as it sounds, the more a predator experiences pleasure when it comes to killing, the more successful that animal is likely to be. This is nature, stemming from the most primal parts of ourselves and what it is to be a predator, the creature which tends to be more favored in terms of survival than the pack vegetarian which often serves them as prey.

These opinions have mainly arisen from my observations of nature and not humanity itself, although I have taken time to observe both in my daily life. Nature seems to be very sadistic and cruel and humanity doesn't want to face the harshness of their very world in which they arose from... They have created a world of convenience which is far different than the world they arose from, although they are not entirely immune to the echoes of the past that still arise within themselves, which can be perceived in many of the ways they interact and manipulate each other...

Robbed of the natural, openly violent ways of carnal nature, humanity is forced to compete in different ways, and once again I stress that deception and manipulation has become one of the most ingenious tools at their disposal. In one way, its usage can be seen in the way that humanity has domesticated animals for the usage of slaughter. They get the animals accustomed to their presence, even feed and care for them, and then betray their trust by killing them when they have grown to a specific size, thus eliminating the need to stalk and hunt prey in their own environment. However, I tend to think that humanity's continual removal of themselves and society from nature will eventually be their downfall, no matter how cruel nature may be. It would truly take a strong man to be able to stalk, hunt, and take down an elk with his bare hands than he who uses our convenient tools which makes it easier, and if evolution is true, then it is they who hone and care for their natural skills more than they who don't who have the higher tendency to survive if worse ever came to worse...

Part 2: As I mentioned earlier, within the Primal Mind, a violent or vicious, competitive tendency is often perceived as a sign of health and strength, especially among predatory species. In many ways, I feel this is likely to blame for some women's unusual attraction to the "bad boy" in societal perspective or even violent and cruel men. There is, to my knowledge, a fantasy within the Primal Mind that even I am in some ways partial to: the idea of wooing an openly violent or cruel-natured man, who expresses an ability to harm and beat down other members of his species, and yet when it comes to dealing with you (the female of his choice) he becomes unusually docile, even gentile, and would not even so much as raise his hand to you in anger when he could clearly kill another man, woman, or creature at his leisure. I do not clearly understand the fantasy in myself, although I acknowledge its presence and have contemplated it carefully. I suppose in some ways it generates a sense of security for the Primal Mind to know that one is mated to a partner who is strong enough to defend herself and her offspring, although I know that the fantasy in itself is unlikely. However, when balanced with the fantasy I have identified as being the masculine version, it may be somewhat feasible, as I understand that the female version is not entirely accurate due to how long the female gender has suffered under extreme domestication and subjugation by the male gender.

The fantasy of the masculine Primal Mind is geared up toward a woman who can outfox, outmatch, outrun, and out-perform himself, despite her more delicate feminine nature, and can in fact defend herself and overpower him if he ever raised his hand to harm her, and yet she for some reason decides to submit loyally and willfully to him and him alone. I consider this the healthy male fantasy because the unhealthy one is geared up toward a relationship where the male receives the majority of the pleasure, even in harming his mate, without receiving any pain in return for wronging her. In some ways I feel as if the domestication and subjugation of the female gender was performed for extreme masculine satisfaction, because once again, in nature for predators, the presence of a violent demeanor is a signal to health, and a female who is capable of defending herself even against her own mate is a seen as a more healthy female than the one who simply bows down to the male's desires, for the previous female will more likely be able to defend herself and her young in the absence of the male's presence. The presence of this "healthy" male fantasy may attribute to the disturbing fact that when a young male harbors an attraction to a female they will often be openly cruel or tormentful as if to provoke an attack, or so I have learned during my youth when it came to interactions with immature males. I wonder if the attraction deepens if the female displays an ability to outmatch the male? I know that when it happens it tends to infuriate the male, maddening him to pursue the female who slighted or corrected him and once again poke at her to try and expose her weaknesses. This can seem like blind hatred at first but it is in fact the Primal Mind's equivalent to driving love, and somewhere in this dark mating ritual the male and female may come to develop true feelings for each other or the male may finally overcome the woman and become satisfied in revealing all her feminine frailties or visa versa... I don't know all the steps, okay? I just feel like that this is how our more "outdated" brain expresses love -- something more of a competition, to try and pair up two mates with the best and the brightest or they who are symmetrically inclined to be the best matched for each other in the interests of survival. Truly, when it comes to "love" we are an unusual species.

Admittedly, the more I look into these tendencies within ourselves which are attributed to health and to the betterment of one's individual survival, the more I feel as if I am an unfit human being indeed. For one, I possess empathy in droves, a trait that I feel is not a beneficial to one's individual survival. It changes when one applies it to true and actual unified collective survival, a thing that humanity has not yet obtained, as it has merely masked its overly violent nature in manipulation and deceit as it has evolved into a more semi-collective lifestyle -- and yes, humanity is still a highly violent organism, the dominant members mostly existing as an elite society of intellectuals, deceptive business men, or manipulative, charismatic leaders, ranging from religious leaders up to the hierarchy of our very society. Empathy causes one to be further disinclined toward pain of all types, usually due to having suffered heavily in the past or come to an understanding of many forms of violent suffering and exhibiting a disinclined nature toward suffering in general, and can actually cause one to feel pain if they are in the process of inflicting it upon others, and are thereby disinclined to be violent or to express violence even when they have been wronged. There is a reason as to why I feel the term "empathetic" is simply the words "I'm pathetic," because this trait has done so much damage to my ability to survive in making me overly compassionate, generous, helpful, giving, sharing, etc., rather than being inclined toward traits that are more essential to my individual survival and I have suffered greatly because of it, my overly hospitable ways being taken advantage regularly throughout my life and bringing me to the depths to which I now currently find myself. Ideally we believe that empathy is a good thing, but I find that in a semi-collective environment whose unified nature is only a mask to hide humanity's innate selfish ways, an empathetic attitude is bad, and only serves to damage oneself and their lives as one who is empathetic has an inclination to feel good about doing "good" things, or sharing those things with others that makes them feel pleasure themselves. The only reason I can say that there are people out there who actually feel pleasure in hurting others is because I've met them and have suffered at their hands, and have had my days when my "darkness" has expressed itself within me, although I have never acted on it, and do in fact do my best to control it when it comes to overtake me. There is, in fact, a lot about me which I find to be backwards in the sense of the basic and primal nature for individual survival, but I have never really been one who takes the easy path, and I find that being open, honest, honorable, empathetic, etc. is actually harder to do than pulling off survival at the cost of being a deceiver, and like the man who could hunt, stalk, and kill an elk with his bare hands without using the convenient human tools available for his disposal, I find that being able to be a strong person while possessing these traits (honesty, integrity, etc.) is a person who is stronger than they who rely on the tools of human manipulation and deceit to get their way and survive at greater leisure.

Manipulation is easy. Being able to survive while being honest isn't. Building a reputation which is intimidating and awe-inspiring while being openly honest is even harder, as people find it easier to respect a facade than they do the person in and of themselves. For those who have the ability, deceiving others in person is just as easy as pretending to be a different person over the internet than you are in real life. It's just a matter of being able to act (an ability I really don't have and don't care to because I am tired of people using their acting skills to openly mislead and deceive others in their daily life.) However, the Primal Mind views manipulation and deceit, again, as signs of intelligence and strength, because humanity's evolution to this point has depended upon the manipulation of tools and our surrounding environment, and these abilities are thought to be intelligent and strong, a sign of our innate sentience. Even further, the Primal Mind thinks that the ability to influence and dominate other free-willed organisms as being strong and intelligent, when I do not necessarily agree, as it is much harder to influence others in honesty and integrity than it is when one is purposely working to manipulate others. Now, I can't exactly speak from experience in this matter, as I have not intentionally ever worked to manipulate others (although it can happen subconsciously due to the fact that manipulation is practically second nature to humanity or so I feel) but I feel like deception and success is far easier than honesty and success, which is really a sad thing to me...

I feel that as humanity evolved the more concepts of “good” and “evil” began to surface as we began working together in troops and collective cooperation. It became apparent that killing other members of the troop was detrimental to the survival of the whole, although some members of the species retained their previous primal ways and were more aggressive than the majority. Most of these became alphas in the tribe, the dominant male or female in which the rest of the community had to follow rather than risk the alpha’s anger. Then as society evolved the tribal codes became more complex and “right” and “wrong” were determined in order to keep a more organized tribe from fighting amongst each other, rather than stealing or killing or taking retribution upon each other without a formal justice system. These systems were imposed to prevent someone who hadn’t taken property, killed, or committed any other violating act to the community’s tribal well-being from receiving unmerited retribution from an angered member of the tribe or society. Protecting each other began to emerge which began to evolve into empathy, feeling for one another, or feeling another’s pain. Sooner or later that may even evolve into a more broader view of collective nature altogether and the violence of the past may be overcome by at least us if not for the rest of nature.

Now I know that there are many out there who do not like hearing about the underlying dark nature of humanity or the real and grisly truth regarding the nature of nature in and of itself, but I have also learned in my experience that when we turn a blind eye to our own inner beastly nature, it has more a chance to fully surface, even while we are unaware of it, subconsciously and covertly, rising to inflict damage upon others without us even really knowing about it. Far greater is the damage done when we try to deny it and to cover it up, rather than facing it or dealing with it on its own terms, or contemplating it in an attempt to come to a better understanding of it so that we might better learn to rise above it. Furthermore, greater damage is done when we shelter each other and our children, teaching them that mankind is in its heart a benevolent creature, or that nature was fashioned by benevolent beings of integrity and love, when there is in fact reason that we in ourselves harbor suspicion and distrust when dealing with each other, fearing one another and the darkness of the night when we are alone in the wilderness, left to fend for ourselves, or why we tend to guard our children from the allegedly horrid truth that exists all around us, ranging from the truth in sexuality to the truth as to why we teach them not to talk with strangers or take candy from individuals they do not know themselves. Is there not reason for these things? Then why do we cringe when we are faced by them? Why do we turn away or deny it when within ourselves we know it to be true? We are, factually, the same species as they whom we regard as being monsters, and in being such we harbor the same capacity as they, and it is only when we face it and learn to live with it that we may come to tame it, or even come to embrace it if that is what we so choose, or maybe even find a balance that is far more superior than either taming it or embracing in being able to acknowledge and accept the needs of individual survival while balancing them with the nature of our semi-collective state of existing.

I do not know all of the answers -- I am only seeking to understand what I can, no matter what it may be, and I am compelled to face the truth and embrace the truth no matter how harsh it is and learn to live with it as best as I can. Yes, this world is full of harshness, suffering, pain, and violence -- at least I acknowledge it. Yes, I wish it could be better, and I aspire for true betterment, but that betterment will never come if we fail to be able to stare ourselves in the eye while examining our roots or if we lie to ourselves that we have not in fact come into existence through a process of seemingly endless violence, a state of violence which has been with us far longer than any period of alleged peace that we may have ever experienced in our individual history. And yes, I acknowledge that not all of humanity embraces its inner darkness and behaves unto the self-indulging standards required for individual survival, but it is still, to my opinion, present in all of us, even those we would consider the best of us, and I personally do not choose to dull down my words behind a facade of wisdom and therefore choose to speak them bluntly. I only seek to point out the darkness of humanity to shed better light on it in order to assist those who have fallen prey to deceit and manipulation, as I have, so they may realize its presence in their lives and work to overcome it, as I have, and it is in my experience that those words that you find to be comforting and inspirational can harbor a darker nature or intent that we tend to overlook. Be ye careful, oh humanity, when you hear something beautiful or promising, as there is little I have seen in this world which is factually beautiful through the core of its presence and not a mask to hide something manipulative or deceitful, as nature in itself harbors a soul of violence that we apparently don't like to acknowledge. It is better to be suspicious in yourselves of even those we regard as being in the most high of positions, than to be trusting, as I have, and to find yourselves victims of deceit and manipulation by those people or forces you once placed trust in. There is a reason we are suspicious of each other. There is a reason people take their time creating conspiracy theories, no matter how ridiculous they may be. And there is a reason that we do not trust each other, even though we must live with each other, which is why conspiracy theories and suspicion even arise in the first place.

I do not believe in a form of enlightenment which comes at the price of sacrificing yourselves or your ability to defend yourselves. You only open yourselves up to be slaughtered if you do not defend yourselves and those you love or strike back at your enemies, if only to teach them how to obtain respect for you -- for in primal nature, the nature we arose from, violence and successfully conquering your enemies is a sort of primal language that demands respect, and there are many out there who still speak this language, as if the universe itself were a creature whose respect is not earned unless you first tear it asunder to get its attention. I don't understand this personally myself, as I in fact feel quite out of place in this universe and bear in my heart a vision of a better universe whose foundations and arising behaviors are far different than our own. Where this comes from I do not know. I just know it is there, and sometimes it makes living in this universe, this world, all the harder for me to bear, but in order to really outline what one may think is better, one must first fully analyze that in which they are currently a part of, and this I attempt to do, no matter how harsh these thoughts seem...

Life is suffering. Buddha may not have taken the time to explain what he meant in what he saw in life to elucidate why he said this because it is not a pleasant thing to ponder, and it is not a popular thing to discuss by all means...

Part 3: There are, to my view, some examples that one can factually draw upon to try and create a deeper sense of self, and I do advise that one should not focus entirely on the nearly-overwhelming violence within nature lest you risk loosing yourself to it, which truly is a hard task at times. Violence in my perception is generally an easier path than attempting to work through cooperation (both have their share of benefits), and since survival is paramount to all living beings, it is not surprising that all things that live, can easily fall under the sway of violence, if only to make things easier and to raise the chances of individual survival to a more agreeable statistic, always at the cost of another's misfortune. However, there are times when some violence is merited in nature, such as competition rites to determine the strongest fit for procreation, if only to ensure that future generations inherit traits that are more agreeable to withstand the demands of the environment. Don’t think that this doesn’t play a crucial role in nature, as mankind has proven through its ongoing breeding experiments among its domesticated animals that traits are inherited and new breeds are created and even altered through the isolation and combination of specific traits, insomuch that bodily changes, whether for good or ill, can be clearly noted. Nature's way has always been to isolate and propagate the genetic information which indicates increasing methods of survival, heightened strength and ability, and the most successful often breed the most, which in turn can regrettably yield some highly negative impacts if the behaviors breeding the most intensely thrive on the easy, parasitical life of feasting solely on another creature's misfortune, as often tends to happen over time -- behaviors being genetically influenced. There are likely reasons for these behaviors, promoting the fact that the strongest or smartest are most likely to overcome and prevail, but I still have my personal complaints concerning the nature of the system, which will be explained later. It is most disturbing to me that in the case of humanity it has been noted that those with lesser skills tend to breed more than those with exceptional skills, as they who are generally more intelligent are more concerned over humanity's overwhelming population and they therefore try to keep themselves in reserve, even though the practice is not held unanimously by all.

I disagree with the current pattern of nature only unto the light that it may have been designed as many people often believe, a subject of which I generally remain neutral on because I do not know. I tend to look down on the concept of intended design, however because I cannot fathom any highly intelligent, godlike being possessing any shred of benevolence purposely creating something like this place, for the very foundations of the world, or the universe would suggest that they are also designed more in favor of a malevolent organism being in charge, than a benevolent one. In my perception, in a universe designed more specifically for a malevolent master, the need for secrecy is key, and therefore the first foundation necessitates a state of innocence or ignorance, or a state of unknowledge, and it is therefore not to my surprise that the innate nature of our own genetic memory (at least in humanity's case) is clouded in a haze, encrypted with intense, confounding symbolism, and practically blocked under nearly-virus-like mental barriers encoded with a language I've come to call "the Language of the Serpent" or better known as madness or insanity. To try and even access it is highly inadvisable and very dangerous. So it is with prudence that I often advise all interested in the matter to steer clear of the "genetic archive" unless you wish to risk losing yourself. There are MANY reasons for this -- it WILL fry your brain! Once again, please do not purposely attempt.

The second foundation for a malevolent universe would be chemical drive. This allows for an illusion of free-will, when all things are factually determined by the nature of one's chemical composition, ranging from personal judgment to inclinations concerning specific choices or preference. This can seemingly be resisted to some degree, so there may still be some room for free will, but the issue of free will in a chemically driven universe is generally a touchy subject to me, as there is no choice that you make which is not factually influenced by your chemistry -- even your ability to perceive a choice or to remember the past in order to better learn from past selections. Scientists have also shown in experimentation that intelligence can be influenced by chemistry. The problem in this lies in the fact that the consumption and interactions of certain chemicals can then factually alter the states of oneself for better or ill, and a being who learns how to successfully harness the knowledge of chemical interactions influencing specific centers of certain physiology could then basically gain access to the ability of anonymously controlling specific individuals without them even realizing it, as all resulting choices would also seem as natural as any normal behavior under our ever-changing conditions of our internal chemistry, with little to no realized side-effects. People can easily be made into puppets, if only to one who knows what influences effect what centers of the brain, whether chemical or otherwise, even if it were only to implant supple yet simple suggestion.

The third foundation would then be intelligence from any variable degree, ranging from the basic protocols of a bacterial organism to traits in which we consider to be the most complex as viewed in ourselves. Since we cannot determine whether there is anything more complex to the nature of intelligence other than chemical and physical composition, there is really, to my view, no reason to assume that intelligence in our world arises from anywhere or anything else. Ideally, many of us would like to believe that it arises from some inner spirit or "soul" that endures even after we die, but we cannot ignore that the nature of our internal chemistry and arrangement of our inner parts are huge factors in determining our behaviors and intelligence, insomuch that to disrupt or alter any of our working parts can factually disrupt or even destroy the whole. Intelligence can be interrupted by a sudden neurological malfunction, alterations in chemistry, or damage to the cells of one's brain, and I have not seen any indication that the supposed spirit is truly more enduring than our physical being.

The fourth foundation is then knowledge, which I find quite frustrating because to an intelligent and sentient being, knowledge is highly important, and I personally find it most difficult to get to the central truth of things when one's knowledge is blinded by chemical inhibitions which tend to blur truth into fabrication or even create a preference to that blurring process because it imbues a deeper sense of interest in the subject, even if that interest is founded on a total lie. In my observations, humanity exhibits a strong tendency to lean toward fiction or half-fiction, loving to exaggerate events for extra emphasis, and determining the truth is highly difficult, as even recorded history is subject to bias. The genetic archive is even more confusing. Truthfully, delving into the archive is something that words alone cannot describe, but the place is highly disorganized and difficult to decipher. The stronger the influence, whether it is recorded history or a work of fiction, the stronger its emphasis, and the more powerful the pull it will have upon your mind -- and this can create the illusion that what you are studying is the truth, when this is generally not the case. Religion, no matter which one, holds center-stage here and the variety of interpretations that have come over eons will blow your mind. Simply said, the stronger the emotions imbued into any specific subject, the stronger its influence generally is upon the species at hand, and as a warning, there is NOT a fiction and non-fiction "section" in the archive or really even divisions at all, as all things recorded are simply kept as raw information. Truthfully, if I could, I'd devote eternity to trying to get the place a bit more organized or easier to understand for all concerned, but its upkeep is not intended for single individuals, but all they who live. One person alone couldn't keep up with all the incoming information on a daily basis and keep it organized, let alone figure out the complexities of all the information already present. This is another danger of placing knowledge as the final tier in universal construction. Upkeep is generally a pain in the ass when a species' disorganized behavior reflects the state of knowledge in their genetic memory, and things tend to become categorized with preference and focus, rather than centralized on what is factually true. Truth is not thought to be as important as survival, and if it takes a lie to influence survival, there is nothing to stop it. Basically said, the greater the influence any factor has had upon general survival, the more it appears to be a factual event of substance, when this may not be true. I could spend a lifetime trying to explain all of this and I still don't think I'd do it justice...

So in summary, I perceive the universe as existing like this:
First Foundation: Innocence or Ignorance
Second Foundation: Chemical Drive
Third Foundation: Intelligence
Fourth Foundation: Knowledge

In my vision of an ideal universe, things are quite in reverse, but that also is built upon the assumption of the possibility that structures such as intelligence or the components of universal knowledge are not factually dependent upon chemistry in order to manifest, which in itself cannot be proven. Once again, this ideal pivots most specifically upon the concept of design vs. natural status, or the idea of a soul vs. physicality. In the real world, your physical and chemical components have much more to play into who and what you are and what you are more inclined to behave as, rather than anything else, idealistic or otherwise. But in a universe that was designed intelligently with intended purpose in mind, I would personally perceive that ignorance would have no place in it whatsoever and knowledge would be paramount. In a world where knowledge and intelligence were placed in the fore-front, certain structures like what we see currently in nature would have no place, as there would be no need to over-produce to compensate for natural predators and there would be no need for natural predators to compensate for overpopulation, which is half the reason we have the food-chain we do. Chemical drive pretty much dictates that the more we produce, the greater chance our species has to survive, so over-population abounds in nature unless there are forces in place to compensate for heightened numbers. This only works so well until the top of the food chain is reached, and unless the species which resides at the top possesses the intelligence to keep their own numbers under proper maintenance, a considerable stress can be created upon the environment. If all species possessed the intelligence necessary to understand the needs of their environment and the repercussions their actions had upon it, then truly we would be living in a totally different world.

Picture this: we live in a universe of benevolence. There is no such thing as ignorance, and all knowledge of the nature of the universe is known and understood by all so that we may know the effect our every action has upon the nature of our existence and everything we share it with.

In such a universe, if someone or something performed an action that was wrong or malevolent in any way, it would be known for what it was --not by direct preexisting examples of its presence in the universe itself but by sheer knowledge concerning the nature of Truth and consequence-- and countermeasures could be taken to correct it.

Now picture this: we live in a universe of sheer malevolence. Ignorance is used to control others who do not know the true nature of the universe in which they live. Malevolent acts are prevalent, but because they are common-place, and knowledge of the universe is not well-known, then they are seen as "normal" to the nature of the universe and are often amplified by return actions which do little to correct or repair the situation.

Therefore: evil without good cannot perceive that what it is doing is evil, but good can know evil without ever having seen it due to the fact that good will try and learn all there is to know about the universe, not in desiring to control it, but to protect and serve it in the best possible ways...

Not everything in the universe exists as a perfectly balanced dichotomy, in my view. Silence can exist without sound but sound cannot exist without silence. Infinity can exist without nothingness, because nothingness is the perception of nothingness and not factual nothingness in and of itself, due to the fact that the spaces in which we see as nothingness has significance in the universe -- therefore it cannot be nothingness, can it? After all, if that in which we perceive as empty space did not exist, then the universe as we know it would not exist, because then there would be no empty space for protons, electrons, neutrons, atoms, molecules, or even solar systems and galaxies to exist as they do. They would all be compressed into a singular object. Therefore: there is nothing in the universe which is unimportant enough to be regarded as nothing and not everything needs a polarized balance in order for it to exist. Same goes for good and evil. Evil would like you to think that you need it to be happy or to perceive it in order to experience good because then, one is reluctant to rid themselves of it, aren't they?

I think a world which evolves under the focus of creating mutually symbiotic relationships would have far more success and would be far more healthy than the conditions we currently inhabit. In other words a universe bent on completion and not competition would be far superior to our state of living. This is where I start to focus on certain structures I currently view in nature and draw upon them as examples. In the cases of our own bodies, the collective collaboration of many billions of cells come together to create a greater whole and even a heightened sense of intelligence. After all, if cellular structures never evolved to remain grouped together and work as one, we wouldn't be around. The same philosophy can hypothetically be applied to organisms of macro-biology, but only to the degree that each unit wholly and mutually works as one to the interests of meeting the collective needs of the whole. If conditions are applied which greatly benefit the needs of one verses the needs of all, then the resulting structure is only semi-collective and semi-symbiotic, and if the needs of one become damaging to the needs of the whole, then it becomes semi-parasitical and often times delves into full-blown parasitism. In a fully-symbiotic world, energy and fuel can be cycled between the whole when organisms evolve with a tendency to feed upon the waste energies of each other or to harvest already free-flowing energy which is quite abundant in the universe as is, rather than evolving to feed upon and decimate each other instead. Nature is meant to clean up after itself, but I can't help but feel that there is something terribly wrong with the picture of earth as I have stared patiently at it for the past several years, although I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suppose that's my personal problem for looking at an entire planet and viewing it with the same analysis as one might when looking over a person's body. A body where its various cellular organisms are engaged with killing and devouring each other cannot be very healthy, and though it appears as if some things are functioning effectively, others are not. Truly, we are in a semi-symbiotic state, due to the fact that we cannot survive without our environment to any degree, but I fear it is devolving into a state of full-blown parasitism, and the whole will likely perish if that parasitism becomes too unbearable to compensate.

Part Four: Parasitism is one of the most terrible things that disrupt any system, in my honest opinion. In humanity, greed is generally its main mode of manifestation. In nature it is a convenient tool for an organism to simply attach itself to another organism rather than continually hunting for food and to consume that organism’s nutrients, sickening or even killing the creature in the process. It represents overindulgence in its most extreme, consumption from within at the misfortune of another creature, but then again all predators survive on the misfortune of others as in the Primal Mind there is no concept of “Good” or “Evil”. However, when it comes to the highest member of the food chain that parasitism can be turned against the whole so that the entire earth suffers unless one becomes aware of their parasitical nature as being another “Evil” that should be abolished and comes to rise above. However there is much in our path that resists this change such as greedy business men whose interests are solely in the maintenance of their fortunes at the expense of others.

Parasitism can be turned into a symbiotic nature if the parasite consumes only the waste products of the organism it is attached to and returns the favor by providing nutrients from its own wastes. There are several examples of symbiotic relationships in nature and this is what I feel we should strive for, if not for the betterment of ourselves but for the betterment of our planet.

So if God was real why would he allow such parasitism to flourish? The answer, as I’ve hinted before, is that whatever gods or goddesses that may or may not exist are either non-existent or malevolent. If life was created I find it a travesty. If it emerged it is a miracle, for what benevolent god would create us and then leave our primal selves in the dark concerning matters of good and evil? Even to this day our Primal Minds do not know the difference between good and evil and the results are devastating.

If life was such a paradise in the beginning then where did predatory species originate? Some will invent various myths to answer the question because no one knows whether they were always present or if it came about as some sort of cataclysm that divided us into predators and prey. I think there has always been predatory species because we still have single celled organisms that prey upon each other like the amoeba. If not, what could have happened that diverged the species from evolving where they could live and grow by consuming naturally occurring energies as their food source? We’ll never know for sure, but one thing’s for certain: inventing myths really doesn’t answer the question, it just assumes that it does, which is where myths, legends, and religion arose.

It is of my opinion that religion developed as a way of explaining things. Dreams were thought of as real experiences, or spiritual experiences, and visions caused by mental imbalances were thought of as real signs from the gods. Oracles, shamans, and various religious leaders were known for having such experiences in which today we would classify as crazy. Even today various seemingly paranormal events are viewed with reverence and respect when they could be classified as workings of parts of the mind that mankind has not yet been able to fully explain. Near-death experiences could be seen as dreams one experiences while the brain is dying and not a factual experience at all. Out of body experiences could be due to sleep paralysis. However, I don’t rule out all allegedly psychic phenomena, because I have had my own share of experiences in my lifetime and I question what is real because of it…

In our ancient past there were a lot of fears and uncertainties and feeling protected or guided by some invisible force likely helped with confidence among the people so they could more successfully hunt and track animals. It helped the troop feel an interconnectedness that in turn yielded culture such as stories, art, and song, and kept the people from fighting amongst themselves too much least they incite the anger of the gods. Lightning, thunder, rain, flowing water, the growth of trees, and the passage of time were all a mystery to primal peoples, so at first they assigned spirits for each manifestation of nature and followed those spirits closely, which in some cases increased proficiency and awareness for its people. Confidence especially was important, so a way to explain things helped alleviate the tension between mankind and their environment as consciousness developed beyond the ordinary primal drive into awareness and sentience and questions arose concerning nature and why anything existed at all. Fears of fire, water, earth, and air were placated by developing rituals and chants that created the illusion that mankind could control it, which also gave birth to magical practices which still exist around the globe today. Everything was treated with a special reverence from lighting a fire to cooking a meal, because it was all magical to early man. Praying to the gods for favors and boons began as part of those rituals, and sacrifice to placate the gods began when those seemed to fail. Man then created images of his gods to further the imagination and connectedness they felt to them, leaving offerings, burning incense, and performing sacrifice, all in attempt to find the gods’ favor. However, some tribes found this practice detrimental to the sacredness of their gods and left it to mystery as how they looked or operated, even though most, if not all, agreed that man was made in their image so their gods must ultimately be humanoid like them. Soon there was an explosion of art and philosophy which lead to inquiries and deeper thinking.

It was the voice of contemplation that was born. One which often guides us, misleads us, and ultimately grants us insight. Unheard by anyone outside of yourself, it is viewed as the very central core of our personalities and spiritual essence, thought to be sacred by nature, secret by will and design, yet accessible to all who question its nature. This is thought – that miracle which defines us as human, paving the way for us to rise above our physical limitations and become the dominant species of this world. But where does this gift, this curse, come from? Why does it seem to be ours and ours alone? No one knows why or where thought, contemplation, questioning, questing for knowledge, or awareness outside of primal programming arose or even how it even happened, not even me. Whether it happened slowly over time or quickly in an instant of sudden brilliance that erupted from a single individual is unknown. Language in that time was primal and consisted mainly of facial expression and bodily motion and nothing is known for sure before the arisal of the written word and even that is speculative and uncertain. So we still don’t know for certain where we came from, which is where religion comes to play. It fills the gaps and grants confidence to those who are uncomfortable with those gaps, lending them a sense of comfort and control in a chaotic world of confusion and uncertainty. Praying to a god for favors grants comfort in times of distress and alleviates the pain of suffering in this primal world. Sometimes it lends a sense of control and, once again, confidence to believe that there is some omnipotent power guiding one’s actions and determining one’s destiny. Fears are addressed, such as what happens after death, the most dreaded subject of all time. Somewhere along the line someone thought it would be beneficial to society to create a concept of an eternal afterlife, such as heaven and hell to guide mankind’s actions to doing things more specifically to benefit the whole, not to mention the benefits that the religious leaders who made it up gained in the process. This led to a sudden and abrupt split in the concepts of good and evil and soon brought about the creation of the first laws, which were usually said to be divinely inspired to incite terror among those who didn’t keep the law, that or strict punishments such as Lex Talionis. Some cultures found another way to do this and invented a concept of multiple lives, lives that if lived poorly would result in a poor next life and so on, but both were invented to keep society together and influence those still in the throes of their Primal Minds to reconsider their malevolent actions against each other.


Today, there are still a multitude of religions, and now arriving on the scene on a more massive scale than other times in history is the common atheist, or the skeptical agnostic. These are in the minority of groups and are often prone to religious persecution, though they have their own venomous retorts if provoked. They are on the side of science, a method of studying the universe that arose from thought, the raw and unequivocal power that evolves as it is used. Many of the religious deny science, and condemn it as devilry designed to bring doubt to the keepers of the faith. This unfortunately leads to the error of certainty in belief, for both the religious and the atheist, which is dangerous no matter where it comes from. In my experience doubt is a good thing, not a bad one, and it is dangerous for anyone to assume they have all the answers. I know I don’t.

Sometimes people fear the change of doctrine, especially dogmas, because it incites revolution and change. When one derives doctrine due to experience the result is to change your beliefs if something contradicts your belief system. When something contradicts religious dogma most of the time people will disregard the observation and stick with the original belief. History has also proven that change happens when dogma is challenged such as the Protestant Reformation. The issue of morals has always been a touchy subject to the religious as they attest that morals are in place because of religious doctrine and that sin is the alternative to their morality. In many cases the religious believe that morals arose from religion when I don’t consider that the case. Morals arose first, then religion to keep the masses in check, sometimes through fear, other times through cooperation and progressive thinking. Religion was just the binding glue to influence others to adopt the morals of one insightful individual and change the overall culture into a more enlightened society, often times, once again, through fear. Fear is a common language to the Primal Mind, and it carries with it great influence. We arose out of the depths of primal programming with fear and uncertainty, caution and anxiety as we realized the world was not as forgiving as many would like to believe. Awareness of our own mortality and the passage of time lent us even more fears and there had to be a way of explaining it so we could understand what was happening all around us. Hence religion. Religion will likely stay with us through the eons because there will always be gaps in our knowledge but as Richard Dawkins would say, claiming “God dun did it” explains absolutely nothing.

So where do we go from here? Religion is starting to decline as science becomes more accepted throughout the world. I’m not without religion myself, as I consider myself a Gnostic Luciferian, but I lean toward an agnostic and even atheist point of view. Why do I believe the way I do? Like everyone else: unexplainable experiences which may or may not be due to mental instability, and I often wonder if religion is not a disorder in itself, arising from the unstable Primal Mind as it developed into higher sentience. Imagination opens the door to the intangible, to the blurring of fact into fiction, and as long as mankind can imagine, there will always be a place for gods in the world…

In the end I would like to say that the “evil" in nature is that we must all kill to survive but that killing is all in vain because we all eventually die anyway. The price of living is too high, we “buy" other creatures' lives to make sure we can live, and so do other organisms. Who made it this way? Or did this evolve naturally? I have no quarrel if it is natural with no design intended, but rebel wholeheartedly against anything which could have created it as it is like so many believe. I find any God or gods in question who would make such a travesty malevolent, but feel it is a miracle if the universe made itself…

Dark Decent

These past 6 months have been exceptionally hard on me. Barring details concerning all the insane things that have gone on for the past bit, physically I also have been unwell. This month has been a decent into a deep depression, though I am doing my best to deal with it in as much as I can. Why? you might ask. I will not go too far into the specifics on the matter as they revolve around many unverifiable things, but of which the very pospects and possibilities are highly hard to shake and often have ended in a feeling of demoralization and despair. I am not one who has simply sat back and taken the route that it is better to believe what I thought was better to believe, as I know in my heart that the real objective truth to things is not determined by one's own desires, or chosing to believe what benefits one most, but that truth is truth whether one choses to face it or not, and the real challenge lies in facing dark truths and still finding some strength to perhaps overcome...

The struggle I face is holding to any hope whatsoever at this point, however, in almost anything, really. That's how dark it has gotten for me. I struggle horribly with notions of hope, especially if that hope lies on something external and out of your own control, because by my experience, if you place hope in that which is external from your own control, in most instances it will fail you. In contrast, I look at myself and wonder how I can ever hope to find strength myself, knowing my own faulties? If you don't know what I mean on that, remember, I do have a mental disorder, and know almost every day what it feels like to be constantly betrayed by your own faculties...

The conclusions I have come to are not without outside tangible observations on the world itself coupled with what experience has taught me, so it is not without reason I feel these ways. I usually avoid discussion on them, as I do not want to discourage or demoralize anyone who might consider them in full capacity as to what it means that they might hold some relavance, cause there really is no turning back at that point, unless you simply chose to drop them and adopt a postive outlook on things in defiance toward the sheer darkness of it in order to defend yourself, I supppose, though I question the rationality of that when I have heard of some of comparative studies done on those who chose to adopt a positive mentality for the sake of being positive, and those with a more pessimistic outlook on things... I'd have to do a search on it to dig up the article if anyone wants to see where I have viewed such things, but two groups of people were made to take a test -- a group who believed that a positive view on life was reflected outwardly and made one's life generate more positive results, and those that held a more pessimistic outlook on life. The test results showed that the postive thinkers were generally overconfident and made more mistakes, while the pessimists were more cautious and tended to take more time to ensure that they held a higher accuracy on results. What this means is that whether or not you simply try to think positive, it does not mean you will score the best in all that you do -- quite contrary, that you will tend to overstep your bounds and make more mistakes and probably ignore them just so you can remain positive about it. Likewise, whether or not you think positive about what might be true, it does not mean that the truth of things will be positive...

The challenge I am trying to overcome right now is facing the prospect of a highly daunting possiblity to things and I am not going to simply alter my thinking or something just to ease the pain of it or whatever. If such things are true, they should be faced, and if prevailed over than one is stronger for having faced it head on and still prevailed, than to resort to blinding yourself to it so that you might cope. There is a lot really that is weighing on my mind right now, but I am a bit tired as of now, as it is 11:30 PM. I might try later, but I am thinking about picking up LJ again, cause even if Facebook allows for longer posts, sometimes old posts go missing when I go back to maybe find one later...

So, I dunno... I might make a comeback to this place... I just remember how insane it sometimes got here, though... Lol...

Facebook

I haven't much updated this thing in a year or so, but if any of my friends want to keep up to date with me, I am on facebook under Holly McCurdy Roberg...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 28th birthday an I have to say the best gift of all has been meeting Skeptic Cat on icanhascheezburger! He's SO smart and cool I love him so much! His logic really keeps me grounded in reality and makes me want to give up on the Luciferan aspect of my beliefs and just stick with Gnosticism. But I think philosophically-wise I'll always hold the belief that Lucifer is good fighting against the Demiurge... I just wont have this allegedly "personal" experience with him anymore. *shrugs* Or love a fantasy over reality...

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Something Wonderful and Exciting

I broke up with Gary again because he's not motivated to do anything and we disagree on most things we discuss lately, plus we don't have similar beliefs or philosophies on life nor does he have a sense of humor. I met a guy on icanhascheezburger.com named Chris but otherwise known as Skepticcat and he is AWESOME! He's an atheist so we have similar views on things because even though I am a Gnostic Luciferan I do have some atheist/agnostic tendencies in the fact that I am very skeptical of what I believe. We chat every night and its thrilling! We have similar philosophies, beliefs, and he has a sense of humor. I don't care how old he is either because I passed up the opportunity to be with Don because of his age and I have regretted it ever since he died... Ai lubs mai noo fwend eben if he libs far, far away...

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Lament of the Insane

This is taken from the ridiculously long poem I wrote sometime last year.
The music is taken from a song I haven't really finished because it's missing the vocals. Ironically it's a song about unity and the collective nature of humanity.


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Back Together

I decided to give Gary a second chance because I really love him so much. Tomorrow we are thinking about going around Lehi/American Fork area to look for a job for him. He says he wont bash my beliefs anymore and I wont mention Talin anymore. But that's okay. It's better to move on from the whole Talin issue anyway because I haven't heard his voice since I got on Haldol (a little over a year now.) But I still hold true to my beliefs and wont be shaken from them. Gary can say what he wants about Lucifer, I'll just accept that those are his beliefs and I have mine (even tho I'm scared I might be wrong and go to Hell for what I believe.) But I am not concerned with rewards or punishments, just that I do what is right and stand by Lucifer as he battles the demiurge...

Gary's Gone

I broke up with Gary the other day because I'm tired of his attitude. He bashes my religious views because I'm Gnostic/Luciferan and he's Morman. I wish I could find more people like me. :( I miss him so much. I was crying real bad when I broke up with him because I love him very much and wanted to marry him. He doesn't respect himself and then complains that the reason he gets no respect is because he's in Utah. He complains that he never sleeps and then sleeps all day. I tried to get him a decent job and he just threw it in my face. Then there's the delusions. He thinks he's met God, Jesus, Jesus' wife, Lucifer, Lucifer's wife, etc. Then he's always saying things like: "The REAL Lucifer would kill a cat in front of you and laugh maniacally." I don't believe in an evil Lucifer. Being Gnostic/Luciferan, I basically believe that if God exists he is the Demiurge who gets his jollies off of human suffering and Lucifer is the Bringer of Enlightenment and is the same person as Jesus. I think that if God is the Demiurge then Lucifer is right to oppose him and I am with him all the way! I can't worship a god who creates a world this messed up and then supposedly waits forever to spill out his wrath rather than correcting this world through love. That is if Revelation isn't a bunch of psychotic ramblings and has a little truth to it, which I doubt. I still have atheist tendencies because I doubt any of this even exists and I am just delusional from all my mind has been through the last couple of years.

Oh and Jow, if we lived closer I would date you in a heartbeat! I love you dude!

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Car's in bad shape gonna part it out

Yeah car is in way bad shape so I'm gonna part it out. Dad thinks he can find a buyer for 300 by tomorrow. The lady got pissed and towed it to Smith's by my house when I told her I wanted to change my mind. It's good there for about 3 days because Dad talked to the owners about it... If he doesn't find a buyer tomorrow I will call a pull a part guy to come get it...